Thinking...

A longer post will be coming, that includes all of the details of the Thanksgiving break.  Until then, this will be a really quick update.

Danielle and I drove down to California on Tuesday.  I spent a lot of quality time with my family, ate way too much food, went to the movies, and went to a bachelorette party.  On Sunday, today, I drove back to Utah alone.  It was as I was leaving and making the long drive that I had time to think about the situation that I have in Utah.  Again, more explanation will be given in my next post.  To make along story short, I am not happy with life right now.  I don't feel like there is anything holding me here.  It takes me a long time to make real friends, and then they end up leaving.  I have no family here.  I was already planning on looking for a new job.  Unless something changes dramatically, this will continue to be the way that I feel while living here in Utah.

I am starting to make some decisions.  I just wish I knew where they would lead.  What I am hoping and praying for is either a job in the Salt Lake School District (where I wold be making more, and could maybe afford to fly home more often), or find a job (teaching or non-teaching) in Southern California.  The thing that depresses me the most is that I don't see how that last option will happen.  I haven't heard about teaching opening up in California and if I got a different type of job, I would need to make enough to live on my own.  One of my co-workers put it best "I have educated myself into a corner."  What else can I do?

More to come later.

Visits...

I had been trying to post once a week.  So, much for that.  Life just started to get too busy during the last few weeks.  I knew that they were going to be crazy and that I would be okay if I could just survive them.  It started with parent-teacher conferences, which went fine.  The problem is that the conferences are stressful and time consuming.  After a long day of work, it is difficult to stay 5 extra hours each night.  It is a good thing that it only happens twice a year.  The next week I had a DART meeting and ALPS testing.  They made us dance around and play weird instruments for the DART meeting.  It was very embarrassing!  I just keep telling myself that the little bit of extra money I will get is worth it.  We will see...

The ALPS testing is what took the longest.  We had an hour long meeting on Wednesday to sort of get trained.  On Thursday, I rushed over to the testing location to set up.  I was lucky enough to be partnered with one of my co-workers (a 2nd grade teacher, who I happen to be friends with).  The testing seemed to go okay that first day.  We were testing second graders to see if they were qualified to enter the program  when they went into third grade.  We had one kid who was VERY disruptive.  We dealt with it...mostly.  I was really worried about getting out on time, because my sister was flying in at 7 pm.  She ended up having to wait for me for a bit.  In the end, it all worked out and we didn't have any issues.

That night, we went out to "Noodles & Company."  It turns out their food is better if you eat it there, and not take it home.  Lesson learned.  We hung out a talked for a while (at my apartment), and then I got ready for the next day.  After work, I headed back to do more testing.  This day was more challenging.  The first part went fine.  Our troublesome student had to be tested separately, by someone else, that day because he was keeping the other students from completing their tests.  The hardest part was the survey at the end.  There were over 60 questions and each one, and the answer choices, had to be read aloud.  It took forever!  The kids were so done by the end of it.  I headed back home to hang out with my sister.  She had made dinner and some really good cookies.

The next day, Saturday, was the last day of testing.  We were scheduled to be there from 7:30-11:00 (the test was from 8:00-10:30).  I showed up at 7:15 and started getting things ready.  This test had 6 sections with 24 questions in each section.  Each question, and its choices, had to be read aloud.  We had to wait for each student to choose an answer before we moved to a new question.  We tried to give the kids a break between sessions.  This test took forever!  The kids kept asking when it would be over.  The test took even longer than they had it scheduled to take; like 40 minutes longer!  We didn't finished until 11:10.  Then Kerri and I had to stay to "clean up" then answer sheets.  We just had to make sure bubbles were filled in all of the way and that there went any extra pencil marks.  We got out of there at noon.  I headed home to pick up Danielle.

We went to a Thai place for lunch and got way too much food.  Then we headed to the theater and saw the new "Twilight" movie.  It was okay.  It was about the same level as the other ones.  After that, we couldn't figure out what to do, so we decided to explore West Jordan a little.  We walked around "Gardner Village." Then we went to the "District" and visited some of the shops there.  We went to the store and got a few groceries and then got ice cream from Cold Stone.  We went back to my apartment,ate dinner, played some games on the Wii, and watched part of a movie.  It was that point that I was too exhausted to think, so we called it a night.

On Sunday (today), we watched some of my DVDs and some Netflix.  I wasn't feeling that great, so it was sort of a lazy day.  We did set up my Christmas tree.  I decided that since we were leaving before Thanksgiving, I would start setting up for Christmas early.  By the time I get back to town, most people will have started putting Christmas stuff up.  This will save me some time.  Plus, it is always more fun to decorate with other people.  I wanted to do more decorating, but I don't have that much stuff and I am still feeling a lack of energy due to whatever illness I have today.  :(

Tomorrow will be more work.  I will probably pick up Danielle and then we will try to explore the city some more.  We also plan to get some stuff for the long drive ahead of us.  After that it will be packing time.  On Tuesday, she will come to work with me and we will start our drive right after the school day ends.  I am really hoping that we can just drive straight there.  I don't want to drag it out.  I plan on seeing how we will once we get near St. George.  We might have to stop for the night.  We will see.  I am so ready for the holidays.  I can't wait to get through these last two days!

I don't know when I will post again.  Hopefully soon, but you know how life is sometimes.  I hope everyone has fun plans for the holidays and that you all stay safe.  Take care!

Stress, Craziness, and Broken Laptops...

Last week was the beginning of the three weeks of crazy that I had been dreading.  Ask any teacher and they will tell you how much they hate Halloween.  It is funny, because I used to love Halloween when I was younger.  Now I dread it.  The kids are crazy the whole week.  Then Halloween comes and that craziness doubles.  We had a Halloween parade at our school, then each class had its own party.  I got lucky this year.  I have a parent who planned and ran the whole things.  The funniest part of the party was the fact that we had a lot parent helping.  

I had never met most of this parents before and they were meeting me for the first time on Halloween.  I was also dressed as Lucy from "I Love Lucy."  So, it was just kind of weird to met them for the first time in a costume.  I knew it would be crazy that day, so I thought it went well.  This year it was a littler weird, the kids  (while still crazy) were actually better on Halloween than they were on the day after.  The day after Halloween they were full on hyper.  Every time they went out to recess they would be eating another piece of candy.

This next week, I am dreading for a whole other reason.  We have parent-teacher conferences this week.  Can you tell how excited I am?  Conferences are on Wednesday from 3:30 pm-8:00 pm, and on Thursday from 2:00 pm-6:00 pm.  Then, we get Friday off as a compensation for working the extra hours.  Conferences are really stressful and I am always glad to have them done and over with.  So, all of the teachers are going crazy trying to get grades in, reading tests done, and trying to gets report cards printed and sent home.  To add to all of the stress, fourth grade is in charge of cleaning the faculty room for the month of November and we have bus duty next week.  Fun.

The final week of craziness is the week before Thanksgiving.  I am on the DART (district art) committee and I have a meeting on Tuesday.  Then I signed up to help test for ALPS (it is like an advanced placement program) this week.  There is a meeting on Wednesday for an hour.  Then testing in on Thursday and Friday night, and on Saturday morning.  On Thursday night, my sister is flying into town.  So, I will have to rush from the testing session and hurry to the airport to pick her up.  This week I also got some more news.  I was asked to help organize and run our school science fairs (there are two of them) around March.  All of the teacher were also told that they need to plan for three 1/2 day subs during the week before Thanksgiving so we can have balanced literacy training as a team.  Sub plans are hard to write and we were all trying to figure out a way to avoid having subs teach the new math program, because it is so complicated!

Once I get passed these next few weeks, I am hoping things get a little easier.  Danielle and I are driving to California right after school on Tuesday, the week of Thanksgiving.  I found this really great price on a Jet Blue flight, plus I had a credit from a previous flight.  It made the price even cheaper.  I am glad that she will be able to drive down with me.  I hate that long drive and having someone with me will really help.  I am not as worried about the trip back, because I can leave earlier in the day.  I just hope that I have good weather along the way.  I keep hearing rumors that, because of the really dry winter that we had last year, this year will be really bad.   A girl at Walmart told me that she heard that we were supposed to get more snow than we had in the last ten years.  :(

In other news, I had to buy a new laptop this week.  I have been having a few issues with my laptop lately.  Mostly with my power cord.  Power cords are really expensive and you never how long they are going to last.  My dad has already tried to fix my cord, but nothing really sticks.  I have also gotten the "blue screen of death" a few times and had a feeling that one day it would totally die and I would lose all of my stuff.  I was hoping to get a few more years out of my computer, but what can you do.  I have had my laptop for about five year, which is longer than a lot of laptops last.  My dad had also been telling me that it might be time to get a new one for awhile now.  So, I found this really good deal at Walmart.  I, of course, called my dad to talk about brands, prices, and performance.  Those of you who know me, know how long it takes me to make big decisions.  So, when I made the decision to get the laptop, I needed to get it before I talked myself out of it.  There was another guy ahead of me that asked about the same laptop.  We were told they didn't have it in stock, it wasn't in the warehouse, and they had no idea when they were getting more.  Crap!

I went to a few other stores trying to find the laptop, but no one had one.  So, I went home and tried to find the laptop online.  I looked everywhere and could find no record of it anywhere.  At work the next day, I took some time and tried to make some calls to other Walmarts in the area to see if they had.  I only had to make two calls before I found a close store that had two in stock.  I asked if the could hold it for me; but they told me that they could only hold things for an hour.  I broke out my sob story of how I am a teacher and I can't leave until a certain time because I am trying to teach my fourth graders.  They gave me special person to put in on hold until I could get there.  After work, I hurried to the store and asked for it.  They got it from the back and I bought it with my credit card (which I hate using, but I considered this a financial emergency).  

When I got the thing back home, I discovered that it had the new Windows 8 (this was part of the reason that I had a hard time finding the laptop--they had just released it this week).  So far, I do not like Windows 8.  It is like they tried to take the app features from tablets and put it on a computer.  It is a little frustrating.  I feel like I can't find anything!  My dad sent my a link to "Windows 8 for Dummies."  I am choosing not feel insulted.  I plan on reading it as soon as I can.  Hopefully, that can take away some of that frustration.  I forgot how long it takes to get a new laptop ready to use.  I have moved some of my important things over, but I still have a ton of stuff to switch over.  Thank goodness I got a new computer before my old one completely died.  It makes the process a little easier.  

I think that is all of my news.  Other than the fact that I came really close to be in a very bad car accident this week.  I was driving on a main road by my apartment.  This lady was trying to turn onto the road from side street.  She didn't even look when she made the turn.  If I hadn't swerved into the other lane she would have slammed into the middle of my car.  I was so lucky that there were no cars next to me; that isn't usually the case of that street.  It is normal very full of cars.  She didn't even notice what she had almost done.  I honked at her.  She didn't even look up.  I get that mistakes happen.  People drive in autopilot and things happen.  People should at least acknowledge their mistakes.  

Okay, that's it.  I hope everyone else is under a little less stress.  Take care and I hope all of you make it through the holidays in one piece!

Fall Recess

This week was a short week at school; so there isn't much to report.  Most of the schools in Utah have a fall recess.  The students get to take a break and the teachers can go to UEA conferences.  For a lot of teachers, the better alternative is using the time to play catch up.  I caught up on sleep, cleaning, and grades.  It has been a crazy year, thus far.  Talking to the other teachers at my school, I get the impression that everyone feels strangely behind this year.  We can't seem to get ahead of the game.  I know that I have been feeling that way.  Every time I think that I will have a chance to catch up on things, something comes up.  Oh well, that's life.  Right?

In other news, it seems like I am FINALLY getting over this cold.  I have been sick for about three weeks.  The first week, I had a low-grade fever, had no energy, and just felt gross.  The second week, I had the typical cold symptoms (coughing, sneezing, etc...).  This last week, I have MAJOR headaches and sinus pressure.  I did everything I could think of to get rid of the headaches.  I missed a day and half of work trying to get rid of the illness.  I took pain killers, used a neti pot, took some remedies recommended by friends (drink cranberry juice and chew ginger--which is so gross), and used medicine specifically for sinus pressure.  Nothing was helping.  I stubbornly refused to go to the doctor.  I did this for three reasons.  First, I am cheap.  Second, I hate going to the doctor.  Third, it seems like every time I go to the doctor they don't find anything.  I figured it would eventually go away on its own.

On Sunday night, I knew that I needed to go to the doctor.  My head hurt so bad that I was in tears.  I got to work on Monday and called my doctor as soon as the office opened.  I got lucky and they had an opening after work that day.  I made it through work and headed to the appointment.  A side note for doctors, you don't weigh people correctly.  I think that the scales are accurate, but the process is not.  I had my clothes and shoes on, and I was carrying a heavy purse and an iPad, when they weighed me.  This added over seven pounds to my actual weight.  How is that at all accurate?  Don't write that number on my chart!

After a little bit of waiting, the doctor finally came in to see me.  She asked me some questions, I told her my story, and she asked a few more questions.  She concluded that I have a sinus infection.  She prescribed antibiotics.  I was told to take three pills a day, for ten days.  I told her that was great, but I really needed something for the headaches.  She told me to take 2 Extra-strength Tylenol and 4 Ibuprofen  every four hours.  Does that sound like a ton of medication to anyone else?  I decided to listen to her advice.  I can feel that all of the medicines are starting to work.  I still have times where the painkillers don't completely disappear; but at least I am starting to feel like I can function again.  I was even able to start exercising again.   I count this as a success.  Hopefully, I will be as good as new very soon!

So, that's it.  I am trying to get grades finished because report cards and parent teacher conferences are coming up soon.  I bought a new bookshelf for my apartment (I don't remember if I blogged about that yet). My parents are going to the Grand Canyon for a week.  Oh, and I did some work on my car.  I got it washed and they did a horrible job.  I tried to get the tires rotated, but the guy told me not to do it until Spring.  I got the oil changed and was told that I was developing a transmission leak.  What these people don't realize is that I have a Dad that used to be a mechanic.  I always talk to him about car problems before I let anyone tell me that I need to fix something.  My Dad said that I would be fine until I got to California for Thanksgiving and that he would look at then.  I think that is everything.  Except for...

My Dad's BIG birthday was this week and I was able to celebrate with him via Skype.  Isn't technology great!?!  Happy birthday, again, Dad!!

Saying goodbye...

Just a quick update...Warning:  This post is not what you think it is about.  I am not saying goodbye to Kody...ever.  I am saying goodbye to something else.  So here it is:

"We have gotten to know each other really well over the past year and half.  We have grown a lot together.  You have seen me through my very best, and my very worst.  I remember that we first got to know each other many, many years ago.  We drifted apart.  Then, in January 2011, I came back to you.  You didn't hold it against me.  We picked up right where we left off, and went on our way...together.  You helped me a lot since that time.  I know that I am happier because of you.  But the time has come for a change.

We just don't have what we used to have.  I feel like our relationship isn't moving forward...we have plateaued.  It is unfortunate...because I have gotten used to you.  I know your little tricks and how you work.  But it isn't the same anymore.  If you aren't moving forward, than you aren't growing.  This is hard for me to say...but I have found someone new.  I have heard really good things about this someone and I think that this change might help me.  I am sorry to say goodbye, because you have done so much for me.  But I feel like this is really for the best.  Goodbye."

A year and a half ago, I decided to go back on weight watchers.  I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin and I wanted to do something about it.  I had done weight watchers in the past and still had all of materials.  I know that a lot of people say that the support from the meetings were the best reason to pay for the program.  I never felt that way.  I was just fine doing it, for free, on my own.  So that, combined with exercise, helped me to lose just over 40 pounds in the last year and a half.  Lately, I have been feeling like I haven't been making any progress.  I am lucky if I can lose a 1/2 a pound in a week.

I knew that this would be more of a struggle as I got closer to my goal weight (I already passed my first goal, and was working on a second).  I was getting frustrated and feeling deprived.  All that work and all of those diet restrictions, and it wasn't paying off.  I had two feelings.  First, my body seemed to be getting to used to my normal routine and so it wasn't responding as well.  I needed to do something to jump start my weight lose again.  Second, I was doing all this exercise and I never felt like I was really eating enough.  It is hard to calculate the points that you earn from exercise.  I never really did it, because it was so subjective.

Today, I made the decision to stop weight watchers for awhile.  Instead, I will be trying a new diet plan.  There is a free program called "My Fitness Pal (MFP)".  There is in app that you can use on tablets and such.  You give information about yourself and they calculate all of the things you need to eat (calories, fat, fiber, carbs, protein, etc...) during the day.  You can scan bar codes for the things that you eat, or you can enter in nutrition info into the app.  It tracks your food and how much you can still eat for that day.  You also enter your exercise.   It tells you how many calories you burned and how many calories you can eat, extra, because of that exercise.  They tell you to eat at least half of the additional calories that you earned due to exercise.  Looking at this new info, I am even more convinced that I wasn't eating enough on weight watchers.  I will try this plan for awhile.  I hope that it helps.  If it doesn't, then I can always go back to what I know.

That's all for now.  I stayed home from work today because my cold, from last week, settled into my sinuses.  I was miserable all day.  I think I will be okay tomorrow, but I have lots of meds to take with me, just in case.  Take care everyone!

**A quick note to all of my followers.  I know some people can't fight their natural instinct to correct grammar, and such.  You know who you are.  ;)  I apologize for any mistakes, or the lack of flow in certain sections.  I use this blog to get out my thoughts and frustrations.  It is cathartic for me.  It even helps me sleep sometimes.  Usually, I can't seem to turn off my thoughts and spend many restless hours trying to get to sleep.  My priority is to get my thoughts down.  I hope that everyone understands that and will let some things slide.  I am not saying this because anyone has said anything to me. It has just been on my mind.

I have some friends that write such descriptive blogs.  They have such a way with words, that you almost feel like you are reading a book.  I love reading their blogs.  Mine isn't like that, though.  I just need to get things out there.  Usually, they come out fast and a little chaotic and scattered.  However, if you know me at all, you will know that I am just like that sometimes.  I hope you will keep following; but if not, I'll live.  This blog is for me.**

Okay, that's it.  Goodnight.  I love you all and I wish you sweet dreams!

Symphonies and Sickness...

This week was mostly slow and boring, except for a few details.  I have been sick since last Sunday.  It wasn't a full-blown illness.  It was more of a slight fever, achy, completely exhausted type of sickness.  I made it to work on Monday, I needed to because of our field trip (more on that later), but Tuesday I gave in and took a half day off of work.  I showed up for the morning and left by lunch.  I was hoping that taking a half a day would be enough to let my body start recover.  Alas, it did not work as I had planned.  I still felt awful on Wednesday.  I decided to stick it out and go to work.  Wednesday and Thursday are slightly easier because my class goes to the library and the computer lab.  By Thursday, I had started to feel a little better.  I actually didn't have a fever that day!  Yes!  I am over the illness.  Then Friday came, and I was proven very wrong.  On Friday, my slight illness had turned into a full-blown cold and I felt worse than ever.  So, here I am.  Sick on a Saturday.  Yea!  At least I got through the work week.

So, back to the field trip.  Every year, the fourth grade takes a trip to a local high school to the Utah Symphony perform.  It is always at the same high school...until this year.  This year, it was at a school that wasn't even in our district.  I was feeling sick that morning and was regretting not getting a sub.  Then, our intern showed up looking awful.  She had been throwing up all night.  Kristy told her to go home, and she took her place on the field trip. We got the kids all ready on Monday morning.  The buses were supposed to show up at 9:45 and the concert was scheduled to begin at 11:00.  Well, the buses were late.  They weren't really late, about 20 min. or so.  We finally got on the buses and got on our way.  It seemed to take us forever to get to the high school.  When we finally got there, we were told that the last performance hadn't finished (is was running late) and we needed to wait.  We were told it would be about twenty minutes and we could wait on the bus or out in the parking lot.  We chose to wait on the bus.  If I had to guess, I would say that it took closer to forty minutes for them to tell us that we could go in.

Out bus was literally the last bus to be unloaded, and that meant that we were the last group to walk in and get seated.  By the time we got into the auditorium, the performance had already begun.  A brief note about the building.  The school (like the one we usually go to for this field trip), has a massive auditorium.  There are really nice seats, balconies, and a huge stage.  Apparently, there were over 3,000 fourth graders attending the performance.  Kristy and Marlene had already walked their students in and were seated.  They later asked us what took us so long to get in.  We had no good answer for them.  We were just following orders.  Shannon and I walked our students in as quietly as possible because, again, it had already started.  We were following a high school student who was acting as one of the ushers.

Apparently, they didn't plan out the seating well enough that day.  They had a lot of single chairs here and there; but they didn't have enough seats for all of our students to sit together.  This is where things get rally crazy.  When you are on a field trip, it is important to keep all of our students together so that we don't lose anyone.  This is especially true when you are in a new, huge place with 3,000 other people.  The usher came over with the arts director, who told us that "even though it wasn't ideal, we needed to split up our students." It took everything we had to keep from getting really mad at the situation.  "Not ideal."  You think!?!  We agreed to split up the students, because there were no other options.  Half of Shannon's students were taken to the main floor.  And I do mean "floor."  The students were pretty much right in front of the stage.  They were told to sit on the floor.  The other half of her students were in seats in the upper balcony.  Half of my students were across from her's on the opposite side of that same, huge, balcony.  Someone had left a ladder in the front row of seats.  So, my students didn't really have enough room and they kept kicking the ladder.

The other half of my students were also sitting in balcony seats, on the complete opposite side of the room.  We were closer to Marlene and Kristy's groups.  So, between Shannon and I, our two classes were split into four groups that were no where near each other.  I told half of my class to wait for me to come get them, no matter what anyone else told them.  They were not to move until I came for them.  I was hoping that this would keep anyone from getting lost.  A few minutes into the program, Shannon and noticed the same issue. They had placed our students in the balcony, but the railing was so high that the students couldn't see over it. The students on my side were sort of leaning in order to see.  On Shannon's side, she had the students move from their seats and sit high up on the floor (so they could see and it would keep them from kicking the ladder).  It was ridiculous and unacceptable.  They gave us a review form to fill out.  Gee, I wonder what it will say...

The performance was about forty-five minutes in length and they didn't play a single song that the kids could recognize.  This has been different in other years.  The first year that I went, they played a few songs from "Harry Potter."  The kids were totally bored.  I saw some kids falling asleep.  When it was over, the director told the people on the main floor to leave first, because they had been sitting the longest.  Umm, shouldn't you let the classes that had kids split all over the place be able to at least collect their students first?  Nope.  So, we waited until most of the room had emptied and then I went to get bring the halves of my class back together.  Thankfully, I didn't lose anyone (and neither did Shannon).  Next, we had to wait in the huge line to get back to the buses.  We finally got on and headed back to the school.  We got back, sent our kids to lunch (late), and went to go eat our own lunches.  It was a crazy, long, day.

On Wednesday, I met with the principal to go over my score report.  When a teacher gets observed, they are giving a score and then have to meet with the principal to discuss it and set goals for the next session.  I got a pretty good score, considering that I was teaching from a new math book that seems to be written in Klingon.  The biggest part of the meeting, came at the end.  She asked if there was anything else.  I said that there was.  I told her about my decision to look for a new job.  Funny thing, when I told me friends, I did so calmly.  When I told the principal, I cried.  There is something about having uncomfortable conversations with authority figures that makes me very emotional.  I told her how much I loved the school and everyone who worked there.  I explained a few of my reasons for leaving.

I also told her that there was a chance that nothing would happen and that I would stay next year.  I explained that I felt like I had least had to put myself out there.  If I didn't, I know that I would regret it.  She was very understanding and told me about how many times she has had to change jobs.  She agreed to write me a recommendation letter after my next set of observations, in January.  I was hope to have everything together before than, but I will live.  I am really glad to have that conversation over and done with; I was worried that someone would tell her before I had a chance to talk to her about it.  So, now I just have to wait until jobs start opening up.  If everyone will please keep me in their prayers, that would be great.  The districts that I am trying for are really competitive.  I need all of the help that I can get!

On Thursday, we had our PLC meeting in the conference room.  We do this every Thursday for an hour.  An aide goes into each classroom to do a shared reading lesson.  We get a chance to meet as a team and discuss how to help our students.  Plus, there are usually cookies!  We were told that our iPads were almost ready for us.  By the end of that day, we had them!  Our district is working to get every teacher an iPad for their classroom (in theory, by the end of the summer, each teacher will have two).  There are a lot of applications out there that can be really beneficial to students.  We are still learning about all of the benefits.  So, far it all seems really great and useful.  We are very excited.  I have mine with me this weekend.  I am just trying to get used to it and figure out some of its basic features.  It will probably take some time before I really start using it with my students.     One of the other things that we did in the PLC meeting was start to write grants.

I have never written a grant before; it was interesting.  Our district advertises a specific grant at the beginning of each.  You can get this grant every other year.  It is for, up to, $500.  We decided, as a team, to write grants for another iPad.  There were only five questions on the form; but they were really hard!  I probably won't get the grant, because I had no idea what I was doing.  At least, I now have experience writing grants! It doesn't matter much to me until I know where I will be next year.  If I do get the grant, the iPad has to stay within the district; this also applies to anything that I have purchased with legislative money.  That part doesn't make as much sense; mostly because this money isn't from the district, it comes from the state...whatever.

I think that is all of my news for the week.  I fully plan to sit around and do nothing but be sick this weekend.  I actually really want to get some apple juice (the only time I ever drink apple juice is when I am sick--otherwise, I don't really enjoy it), but I really don't want to leave my apartment.  Maybe I will just sleep instead.

Week 5...

Sometimes it is hard for me to remember what I have already talked about in this blog, or told people already.  So if some of what I write is repetitive, I apologize.  Apparently, those things are still on my mind.

The days have slowed down a lot.  It is always amazing how crazy the first few weeks of school seem to be; and how many things go wrong during that time (every year).  Last week was still a little crazy, but not quite as much.  Mostly, the weeks just seem really long.  I have never wanted to go back to California so much!  I should clarify.  Monday and Tuesday seem to last forever.  Usually, the week goes pretty fast after that.  This week was the exception for that rule.  We had picture day at school this week, I was on bus duty, and I had my JPAS interview with the principal.

I have been telling the kids about picture day all week.  Most of them remembered to wear nice clothes.  What they forgot to do was check their mailboxes and take home the picture day order form.  Part of this was my fault, I should have reminded them to check their mailboxes everyday.  I did give them this big lecture about being responsible and how I wouldn't always be able to make sure they took their stuff home.  They have been good about getting their things since I gave that speech.  Unfortunately, that didn't help on the actual picture day.  Instead I had over half my class in the office calling home for picture day forms.  I felt really bad.  The office staff told me not to worry.  Apparently, there were many other students from many other classes that were up there calling as well.

I was on bus duty as all of this was happening.  Each grade does bus duty for one week at a time (we do this several times a year).  We do crosswalk in front of the school, pull forward (which is basically the parents ignoring us as we tell them to drop their kids of quickly and leave so that a huge line doesn't form), making sure kids get in and out of the bus correctly and are going through the right doors to the school, and back duty (which is watching the playground in the morning).  No one enjoys bus duty and it takes a lot of time.  Plus, the parents look like they are going to run us over with their cars half the time.  Fun stuff!  So, trying to do bus duty and handle the picture day stuff was a little crazy and overwhelming.

We finally sorted everything out.  I only ended up with a few kids not being ready for picture day.  The teachers have to have pictures taken as well.  So, Marlene and I went to do ours before school started.  Last year I felt really rushed and I hated the way the picture turned out.  This time, I was able to relax and take my time.  While we were in there, the people who do the pictures found out that they had accidentally sorted the students into last year's classes.  So, I should have had a stack of cards for my kids from this year.  Instead, I had a stack of cards from last year.  They did this for every single student.  They were all wrong.  They started trying to resort and label them right away.  Throughout the day, as they got one class finished they would call them down and take their pictures.  It was chaos!  We got call just after 11am.  We had read aloud with another class at 11:30, so I figured we might be done in time.  Not so much, we were a little late for read aloud.  The whole picture process took 20-30 minutes.  It has never taken that much time.

We went to read aloud for 15 min, and then the other class was called down.  Marlene's class had the worst of it.  The picture people called them down 10 min before lunch.  She tried to tell them that they couldn't be late for lunch.  The people kept telling her that they would have plenty of time.  Yeah, they went ten minutes into their lunch time.  She was thrilled.  The whole day was really stressful for all of us.  In the midst of all of this, I was trying to prepare my room and myself for my interview.  I had already had the two observations, which I think went well, and just needed to show her my data and evidence for the interview.  I think that part went well too; I had all the things that she was looking for in my binder.  Now, I just have to wait for my scores and will meet with her again and she will go over observations in detail.  So, I have some more waiting to do until the whole process is over.  It just made the day that much more stressful.

I think that I already posted that we found out that we get our steps and lanes this year.  So, I am still behind in pay (and always will be, if I stay in this district), but it is a little better.  The best thing that happened this week came in the form of an email from a parent of one of my students.  She told me how she know how stressful teaching is and how teacher's have to pay for so much with their own money.  She said that every year, they like to donate a $100 gift card to their children's classes for supplies and offered me a choice of stores.  It was the nicest surprise ever!  I get to tired of spending my own money on things for the class.  I emailed her back right away and told her how grateful that I was for her generosity.

So, that's it.  Just another crazy week in my life as a teacher.  I still miss my family.  I am worried that I won't be able to leave after I go home for the holidays.  I have that thought every year.  This year is seems a little more valid.  When I first moved here, it felt right.  I knew that I was supposed to be in Utah.  I don't feel that way anymore.  I just haven't figure out where I am supposed to be.  Maybe what I am feeling is just that I need to make a change.  Now is the time to make career changes.  I don't get paid a lot, I don't have that much invested yet, my list of friends isn't very large right now (because they keep moving or getting married), and all of my real, forever, attachments are in Southern California.  I hope that I do get to make a positive change next year.  I need something good it my life.  Every night I pray that something really big and positive will happen.  I know that I am blesses.  I try to take the time to count the little blessings, but when life is hard it isn't easy to see those little things.  The bad things always seem so huge and devastating   Why can't some of the good things be that big and life changing?  I just want some happiness back in my life.

One positive thing, I have been able to start looking at pictures of Kody without totally losing it.  It is still really hard, but I would rather see the pictures of him.  On my cell phone, I actually have a video of him sleeping.  I took it while we were at the cabin this summer.  My dad was on the phone with his parents and Kody was taking a nap in the middle of the room.  You could always tell when Kody was really asleep because he would start moving in his sleep.  He was no where close to those dogs on Youtube that end up running into walls when they sleep.  He would just twitch and move around.  It was really entertaining.  He always slept the deepest while he was at the cabin.  I think that he was his happiest there.  In retrospect, I wish we could have spread his ashes, or buried, him at the cabin.  His ashes were spread over the ocean in San Diego, I guess that there is a company that does that in California.  Anyways, I like to watch the short 30 sec video I have of Kody sleeping.  I still can't believe that I won't see that again.  Great, here comes the tears.  I really haven't stopped crying since August 25.  My goal is to make it one day without crying at all.  We will see how that goes.

I hope that you are all doing really well and that you can't receive some of those huge great moments in your lives!

Week 4...

Okay, I really need to be cleaning my apartment; but I just don't feel like it right now.  Instead I figured I would sit down and update the old blog!  It has been four weeks.  Four weeks since my family lost the best dog in the world.

To answer your next question, yes.  It is still a daily struggle for me.  Half the time, I think that he is still alive and healthy and that I will see him at Thanksgiving.  I have even had dreams about him still being alive.  They are really good dreams.  But then the waking up part happens and I am sad all over again.  Things have been a little easier now that work is in full swing.  I have been massively busy, and stressed, so I have been able to make it through the day.  So, even though it doesn't seem like it should, life continues to go on.

Speaking of work, the whole steps and lanes agreement isn't during out as quite as great as people thought.  We are still getting our steps and lanes, but it won't be as retroactive as we were first told.  Teachers on traditional track with get back-pay from September.  So, really, we will only get one month of back-pay.  Other teachers are upset because there will be no cost of living increase.  So, if you are teacher who has been in the district for awhile the agreement doesn't help.  Those teachers have already reached the top step and will never go any higher unless there are COLA increases.  There really should be every year.  Life will never get any cheaper.  Costs continue to rise quickly.  Yet, if the salary isn't adjusted then people will always suffer and struggle.  We will see what lies in the future for this school district.

I think my family is doing well.  They all seem very busy.  I know that they are still trying to establish new routines now that Kody is gone.  I only talk to them once a week and half the time they forget to tell me things that are going on.  So I have to find out about them on Facebook.  Thanks for telling me about your trip to the Grand Canyon, next month, guys!  I love you too!  ;)  

I am still counting down the days until Thanksgiving.  I am trying to plan when I want to leave.  We get an extra day off this year and I am planning on driving.  It is cheaper and the roads shouldn't be too bad at that time (not like they might be at Christmas).  So, the question is:  do I leave after work on Tuesday, or do I leave Wednesday morning?  If I leave on Tuesday I can either drive straight there (which I did last year--even though it was exhausting!), or I can try to stay at a hotel in St. George (which is more money).  Many things to consider.  We will see how I feel in November, I guess.  Until then, I am trying to get things ready for my Dad's 50th birthday, and then my Mom's *un-numbered, because I think she would kill me if I posted her age online* birthday the following month.  Then there will be Christmas to prepare for after that.  Lots to do!

Well, I'd better get cleaning.  If I keep putting it off, it will only get worse!  I am sending love and prayers your way!  Take care!

Week Three...

Yes, I have been labeling my posts based on the amount of time since Kody passed away.  Maybe that will change in the future.  For now, I still feel like I am just trying to make it through each day without breaking down.  Until I can get to that point, making it through a whole week is an accomplishment.  It has been  week filled with changes, most of those were actually positive ones though.  I have been really struggling to count my blessings recently.  It has been nice to be able to add to my blessings list.  I still feel like I need some really big positive thing to happen to get me out of this depressive funk that I have been in.  Maybe something like that is still coming down the road...

As most people know, my dishwasher broke pretty much the first week I got back.  I called the manager of my apartment complex and he put it a maintenance request.  A week and a half later, still no one had been by to even look at my dishwasher.  I finally broke down and called for an update.  The next day, while I was at work, someone came in to look at it (AFTER I called).  They left a note saying that they needed to order parts and not to use it until then.  Fine.  I continued to hand-wash my dishes.  By last Sunday it had been over three weeks since I had a working dishwasher.  I hadn't heard anything about the new parts.

On Sunday afternoon I decided to call again and find out what was going on.  The next day, while I was at work, someone came and fixed the dishwasher and left a note saying to call after I used it and let them know if it was leaking or not.  Again, this happened AFTER I called.  To me, this says that they had everything that they needed to fix it for a while and would not have shown up if I hadn't called.  That is a little frustrating.  I try to be a low-maintenance tenant.  I never complain and I can fix most things myself.  I guess if I take that approach nothing will ever get fixed.  At least it is fixed now.  So whatever.

During this whole dishwasher mess, my vacuum also broke.  Actually, I was having trouble the day before I left for California for the summer.  I just figured it was the belt, so I figured I would put on a new one when I got back.  I put the new belt on last week.  The second I turned on the vacuum, the belt broke again.  This happened with another belt right after.  I even took the time to clean every bit of gross stuff out of the vacuum and off of the roller.  The belts kept breaking.  I opened the vacuum to see if I could figure out what happened.  The belt looked like it had been melted.  There were bits of melted rubber all over the vacuum.  It smelled wonderful, by the way.  It turns out that the little part that you put the belt on so it can turn with the motor was getting overheated.  I don't know if there was supposed to be some sort of protective cover on it, but I didn't have one.  In frustration, I headed to Walmart for a new vacuum.

As soon as I got into Walmart, the rain started.  It was a huge storm.  I could hear the rain pounding on the roof.  It turns out that when rain falls onto the roof of Walmart, it echos throughout the whole store.  I could feel the store shake ever time thunder clapped.  It was a little scary.  I could hear kids telling their parents that they were scared.  I quickly found the vacuum that I wanted and started to pick up a few other groceries.  While I was shopping, the lights blink out and then came back on about a second or two later.  This happened two more times.  I tried to hurry so that I would be stuck if the power went out.  I think that Walmart would be really creepy completely dark.

It turns out, I didn't have to rush.  Not because the power went it, because it didn't.  No, it turns out that the few times that the power had blinked off and on had taken out Walmart's computer system.  I was near the front of the checkout line, but I was stuck there.  No one would check out because the whole system was down.  I was stuck waiting in that line for forty minutes.  I passed the time by chatting with the cashiers and the customers next to me.  They were all in the same boat that I was in.  I didn't want to give up and go home.  I really needed groceries and I needed the vacuum even more.  I hadn't vacuumed my apartment in three weeks.  So, I waited.  Finally, the system came back on.  I went home and vacuumed.  The new vacuum works okay.  It has really good suction, but that makes it sort of hard to push.  It is also a little short, so I feel like I have to bend down a bit.  It is a good thing that I have a small apartment!  My Swiffer is also broken (the handle cracked).  I taped it up and will look for a more permanent solution in the future.  It works well enough for now, and I can't afford a new one.

My finances have been weighing heavy on my mind lately.  The always have, but it has recently become an even bigger concern.  The beginning of the school year always causes me to take a big hit.  There is a lot to buy during that start up time.  I do get reimbursed for a lot of it (although I still don't know how much I can spend yet--last year it was up to $250).  Anything that I get reimbursed for has to be left with the school district, if I ever leave.  I can't turn in receipts until we find out how much money we get.  That might not happen until November.  Until then, I just have to count my pennies carefully.

I can always count on a few other expensive things at the same time.  I have been gone all summer, so my first shopping trip is always massive and pricey.  My car registration is due, so there is another couple hundred (although it didn't have to be inspected this year--so that saved me some money).  I am usually trying to get plane tickets for Christmas at this time and if I wait too long, the tickets get really expensive.  The other thing I can count on is my rent going up a little.  I was told it would got up $10 a month every year.  This year it went up $50 a month.  I had been getting a slight discount because I was a teacher.  I guess corporate decided that they needed every bit of rent they could get out of everyone.  If I had known sooner, I would have looked for another place to live.  However, it was too late and I was stuck.

I have a budget that I try to stick to.  It is an Excel program on my computer.  I was watching the small savings that I have get smaller and smaller as I entered the new numbers.  I made a very grownup decision.  I broke down and used my credit card for the first time in my life.  "I can afford these things and nothing else."  "I will make it, but it will be close."  Those are the thoughts that I had before I broke down and used the card.    They were sort of true.  I can afford those things, but not all at the same time!  I needed the card to help me spread out the payments a little.  In the end, I am hoping that I won't have to pay too much in interest.  My bank wants me to make a minimum payment of $15 a month.  I plan on paying way more than that.  I hate having debt.  I used the card to pay my car registration and the plane tickets.  Some of you are asking, if you are that broke can you really afford to fly home.  Not really, but I HAVE to.

I know myself.  I WILL NOT make it here if I know that I can't go home.  I am already prone to being homesick.  I learned that my first year at college.  Trying to live in a state that I don't really want to be in, where I don't know a ton of people is really hard.  I need to be able to go home.  I was already counting down the days until I could go home.  I started counting the day my family dropped me off after vacation.  After Kody died, my desire to home has grown so much that it is almost overwhelming.  I can make it through the day, but I break down and cry every night.  Part of it is tears over Kody.  But the other part is a feeling that I don't want to be here anymore.  Something needs to change.  Either I will try to find that elusive job in CA or I will try for a better paying district.  Until then, the only way I will make it through the school year is by going home whenever I can.  I will drive at Thanksgiving because the roads will be better.  I can't drive at Christmas because the first, and only, time that I tried that I got stuck in a blizzard that almost scared me to death.  I will never make that drive at Christmas again.

I did make a few decisions, and got some news, this week that will help me a little this year.  Maybe I will even be able to pay off the credit card sooner.  My friend, Shannon, sent me an email about the ALPS program in our district.  This is like an advance placement program.  They needed people to help proctor the tests in November.  We would get paid about $20/hour.  In total, it would add up to about 8 1/2 hours of work.  I signed up, and was accepted as a proctor, and forwarded the email to a friend of mine, another teacher at the school, that knew was also struggling.  She was also accepted.  Then, our principal sent out an email informing us that our school needed another representative for a district art (DART) program.

The rep would go to about seven meetings over the course of the school year and find out how to integrate arts into the classroom.  We would be paid the same in-service rate of $20/hour.  Each meeting is about two hours long.  So, that will be about 14 hours of work by the end of the school year.  It is not a ton, but every bit helps and can make a difference.  So, I signed up for that as well and have my first meeting next week.  I also, usually, sign up to judge the science fair, but that won't be until near the end of the school year.  Until then, I plan of taking advantage of every opportunity that I can find.

The last bit of news that I have, it looks like our district and the union have reached a tentative agreement.  As some of you know, our pay has been frozen for the last few years.  According to the posted salary schedule, I should be making a third year teachers salary.  At the beginning of this year, I will still be paid the same salary as a first year teacher.  It has been really hard not having any pay increases.  Cost of living keeps going up and my bills are always going up.  It is hard to make it.  I figured that I could struggle for a year and then things would get a little better.  Not the case.  Instead, things just got more and more difficult.  I don't know when the new agreement will start.  We need to take a vote on it, as a union.  So it probably won't start until our October paychecks.  The agreement basically says that we will get steps and lanes this year (but no cost of living increase), but they will only give it to us next year if the legislature gives them money specifically for teacher salary (which has never happened before).  Basically, it means that we get a pay increase this year but not next year.  I will now be a third year teacher, but I will be paid a second year teacher's salary (we can only move one step at a time).  The good news is that the pay will be retroactive to July 1st.  So, I should have one pretty good check that has some back-pay included in it.

So, that is all of my news.  Things will get a little better; I just have to wait for a little bit before they do.  I hope the rest of you are finding life a little easier.  If you aren't, then you are in my prayers.  Take care!

Week Two...

Well, I just got through the second week of the new school year.  The students, who are always so quiet and polite that first week, are starting to find their voices.  They are making friends and starting to figure out how much they can get away with in my class.  It has been a little crazy trying to teach them what our schedule will be like during this school year.  The first two weeks of school were both short weeks for them and I have tried to fit in as much as I could.  It was a little chaotic.  I am looking forward to a real week of school.  I am making it my goal to show the students exactly what our weeks will be like.  I also only have week to teach them exactly what to expect before I start getting observed by the principal.  I just don't have a lot of time to teach them when to be as quiet as possible, get them into the habit of raising their hands, etc...  This is my last year as a probationary teacher.  I just have to get through this last year of observations and then I don't have to do them every single year.

 I have told most of the co-workers that I am close to about my decision to look for another teaching position.  They have all been very supportive and they understand that my main reason is a financial one.  I have even been able to arrange a few recommendation letters.  I have not discussed this with my principal yet, though.  I am still trying to find the best way and time to let her know.  I also want to tell her in a way that will allow me to keep my job if I don't find another one.  I am planning on asking her for a recommendation as well.  I just don't know if I should wait until after she observes my lessons.  I am hoping to have my resume updated by the end of December.  I figure that jobs won't start being posted until March, but I want to give myself plenty of time in case something opens up.

In addition to another teaching job, in another district, I am looking at jobs outside of teaching.  I haven't told a ton of people about that one though.  If I do look for a different type of job, I would focus my search in California.  I want to be close to my family, as I have said before.  I have been living in Utah for just over two years now and it still feels like a temporary situation.  I don't feel like I have any real ties here.  I have no family here.  I have one really good friend here; but she just got married and that could lead her anywhere in future.  I love my co-workers, but I need to do what is best for me.  I am still a young-ish, new teacher.  This is the time for me to be making these choices.  I don't have a lot invested in retirement, education (other than my credential), and experience.  If I make a switch, I won't be losing out on a huge amount of money.  Mostly because I am now a third teacher working on a first year teachers salary schedule.  We will see how all of this turns out.  I am guessing nothing will turn out the way that I want it to.  That is based on my past experiences.

I wish that California was hiring teachers...or that my family would just move close to where I am.  I know that it their plan for the future.  However, that plan is really far off; like after my Dad retires.  It used to be that if you moved to California you were stuck there.  The state, while it had a hire cost of living in some areas, paid better and had more opportunities than other states.  That doesn't seem to be the case anymore.  People are still leaving California because of the job market.  I really think it will be the very last state to recover from all of this.  If I did go back to California, I wouldn't do so until I had a job already lined up.  It would need to be a for sure thing.  It would need to pay enough that I could afford my own place and everything that comes with it (bills, loans, etc...).  Right now, it doesn't seem like I will be able to make that move next year.  Maybe if I can get into a district that pays a little more, just enough so I can actually feel like I am putting money into savings, things will be better here.  Maybe that will help me feel better about staying in Utah for a while longer.

It would be nice if I could find away to get to California more often.  I have a few short breaks during the year that I would like to be able to use to travel there.  So far, I have been really fortunate to be able to drive home  at Thanksgiving and fly home at Christmas.  I just don't know how I will make that work if my current district doesn't start paying us more.  I need to be able to go home.  I miss my family all of the time.  I wish I could have the ability to go home when good, and bad, things happen.  I totally would have gone home if I knew that Kody was sick.  I wish I could go home for birthdays; instead of just using Skype.  Don't get me wrong.  I am really grateful for Skype.  It makes it a lot easier for me to stay up here knowing that I can see my family every week.  When I first went to college, it was really hard for me to be away from home.  I didn't have a cell phone yet.  All that I had was a phone card with a certain numbers of minutes on it.  It was a really difficult time in my life.  I sort of feel like I am heading back to that feeling.  Wanting to be home so bad, and not being able to get there.  :(

Until I figure things out, hopefully soon, I just have to focus on work.  I will still continue to miss my family and mourn the loss of Kody.  I just have to get through each day.  I just have a feeling that this will be a really long year for me.  It is a good thing that it seems like I have really great students this year.  If I had another year like the last two, I don't know if I would be able to make it through everything.

One Week Down...

It has been one week since I lost my best friend.  In spite of what I believed at the beginning of this awful week, I am doing better.  I still pray and cry for Kody every night; but I am managing to make it through the day without bursting into tears.  I can't talk about him with others yet.  At least, I can't talk about him without getting teary-eyed.  I am just grateful that I was able to get through my first week of teaching without breaking down in front of my class.

I almost feel like I am going through the stages of grief in reverse.  I started with accepting the horrible truth, but now I feel like I am moving towards denial.  I still feel like he will be there waiting for me when I go home for the holidays.  I know that it will be hard every time I go somewhere that he is supposed to be.  I am still finding a little bit of fur that he left with me over my time with him at the cabin this summer.  That has been hard.  I look forward to the time when I can think of him, and see pictures, and smile instead of cry.  For right now, don't ask me how I am doing.  I can't lie to people that I know.  If you ask me how I am doing, I will probably start crying again.

In other news, I made it through my first week of work.  We have VERY full classes this year; we are starting with 30 students each.  The kids seem like a good group though, and we have a couple new additions to the staff this year that already seem amazing.  In spite of all of that, I am still looking at my options for the next year.  Those of you who know what has been going on over the last year have heard me mention my frustrations with my district.  The pay has been frozen for awhile.  We are already one of the lowest paid districts; then, when you add in the fact that they never raise your pay based on experience, it gets difficult to live.  The district has a salary schedule online that is supposed to reflect what we will be paid as we stay on with the district.  Unfortunately, that schedule isn't being honored.  I get that times are hard.  The district needs more funding than it gets.  I understand all of that.  However, my rent goes up a little every year (this year it went up A TON) and my bills never get any lower.  I need to be able to survive.

I have been looking at other school districts and lower grades.  I have been hoping that if I wasn't so stressed about money, and if I were teaching kids that were a little younger (which I have always thought I would enjoy), that maybe I could be happy teaching.  I am hoping to try that for a bit and see if it helps my outlook on my chosen career.  However, if I make this change and still find myself only feeling stressed and frustrated I will start to look at other career options.  I have no idea what direction my professional career will take.  I plan on taking this next year to figure out what else I want to do and how I can make it happen.  I don't plan to make any serious moves until everything lines up so that I can do so.

This whole thing with Kody has made me seriously consider trying to go back to California.  It is really hard being away from my family.  I felt like this before Kody passed away.  Losing him just made those initial feelings a little stronger.  Plus, I can't stand the thought of some other disaster happening while I am so far away.  Obviously, I couldn't go to California as a teacher, because they still aren't hiring those.  I am thinking of starting as a paralegal or an administrative assistant.  After three years of teaching, I think that I could handle the organization and management required for those types of jobs.  I am open to suggestions, though.  If anyone is, or knows of, a teacher who switched to something else maybe you could tell me what they did and what they had to do to get there.   

So, there you go.  I still have no idea what direction to take in life.  I have all of these feelings, about everything, that I am having to sort through.  I feel guilty about leaving the co-workers that I love, conflicted about when and how to ask for reference letters.  I love and miss my family in California and I know that I will never truly feel at home when we are so far apart.  I am still mourning the  loss of my best friend and that is making all of the decisions that I need to make that more confusing.  I just hope that I can figure all of this out.  I pray that it will all work out for the best and that I will end up where I am supposed to be.  When I first moved to Utah, I felt it was right.  Everything worked out perfectly and I just knew that I was supposed to be here.  I don't really feel that way anymore.  Maybe I met the people and had the experiences that I was supposed to have here.  Maybe it is time for me to have new experiences somewhere else now.  Whatever I am supposed to do, and wherever I am supposed to go, I hope I get some sort of clear sign soon.

encouragement.  Sometimes it can be difficult to see past sorrow, especially when you are deep in the thick of it.  It is nice to have people who can assure you that things do get better.  While I am not yet in the "things ARE better" stage, I am starting to see that they will be someday...in the FAR off future.  That's all for now.  I hope you all have a great week and that no one else gets any bad news.  :)

Grief...

"We lost him."  Those three words are constantly haunting me.  All day long I hear them in my head.  Every time I think of those three words the news of Kody's passing hits me as hard as it did the first time.  Every part of my being knows that it is true; but part of me can't believe that it is real.  I just can't seem to accept the fact that he will never again be there to great me when I go home to California.  He will never twitch in his sleep again.  All of the little things that he used to do that were so endearing...and now he is gone.  I just can't seem to be happy in a world where he doesn't exist.  I have cried, I should change that to sobbed uncontrollably, ever day since I heard the news.

People who know me well, know that I hate to cry.  I am not a "pretty" crier.  My face turns red, my eyes get bloodshot and swollen, my face scrunches up, and I can't breathe.  Yet, that is what I have looked like a few times a day since Saturday.  People who aren't animal people don't seem to get it.  They say that they are sorry for my loss; like that is supposed to make it all better and now I can get over it.  I don't really care what they think.  I loved my dog.  I feel like I have lost a member of my family.  I HAVE lost a member of my family.  Nothing will make this better.

 I feel alone.  I come home and do nothing.  I have no distractions.  In theory, once the school year really starts I will be overwhelmed with papers and grades; but for now, I have nothing.  I have to spoken with my family everyday since it happened.  This whole things makes me wish that I were home, and with them, even more than I already did.  I am sure that they are tired of hearing me cry every time we talk.  I can't help it though.  I don't know what else to do.  Crying seems to be all that I do lately.  I have cry at every little thing.  I have never cried in front of so many people in my life.  Every time someone asks me how I am...I cry.  I have started telling people that they aren't allowed to ask me that anymore.  Maybe one of these days I will make it through a work day where no one asks me how I am, and I don't cry; but I know that I won't be able to stop the tears once I am at my apartment.  There is nothing to do but think about my sweet boy.

I have no prior experience with grief of any kind.  I have lost great-grandparents when I was really young; but that is about it.  All of my family is still with me (thank goodness).  I have never lost a pet.  I don't know how to get over this.  I don't think that I WANT to get over this.  Kody was my dog.  He will always be my dog.  My family talks about getting another dog one day; but it wouldn't be my dog.  It would be their dog.  I wouldn't have the same connection.  It wouldn't know me.  I can't even think of getting my own dog someday.  I don't know if I can do this again.  I don't know if I can put all of my heart, soul, and love into something and have it leave.  Plus, I feel like I would betraying Kody.  I know that I would love the new dog; but what if I loved him more than Kody (which I don't think would ever happen--I can't even imagine loving a dog more than I loved Kody); or what if I couldn't love the new dog as much because I was always comparing it to this wonderful dog that I loved so much?

Great.  I am sobbing again.  Maybe I should just go to bed.  Goodnight.  I love you all.  Please take a moment to hug your family, especially the fluffy ones.  Take care!

Kody

Today I learned that my beloved dog, Kody, passed away.  He was 15 years old.  It happened really suddenly.  He had gotten into the garbage earlier this week (which is something he did all of the time).  I guess he got sick after and was throwing up and acting strange.  The next day he seemed fine.  It went like that for a few days.  He would be really sick and then the next day he would be a little better.  Of course, I didn't know that any of this was going on.  I was busy getting ready for the new school year, in Utah.  This morning I received a text from my sister informing what was happening and letting me know that my parents were taking Kody to the vet.  I called my sister right away.

Throughout the day, I would receive updates from her as she spoke with my parents over the phone.  The vet put Kody on oxygen and a I.V.  He was breathing slowly and his gums were pale.  They did blood tests and found that his blood pressure was low and that his blood was thin and not clotting.  They theorized that he had somehow ingested an aspirin product; but they didn't know for sure.  They told my parents that he needed a blood transfusion.  They had to drive to Ontario to get in done.  I guess, that on the way he collapsed.  The hospital tried to revive him, but he never woke up again.

I was sitting in my apartment waiting for an update when my cell phone rang.  It was from my Mom's phone.  All I could think was "no."  I answered and my Dad was on the phone.  As soon as I heard his voice I knew that Kody was gone.  He confirmed the feeling that I had.  "We lost him."  Since that moment I have pretty much been crying non-stop.  I don't know what to do. I have never lost a pet, or even a family member.  I don't know how to deal with loss.  Plus, I am all alone here in Utah.  I have no one.  So, I just sit here crying.  Mostly it is just a steady stream; but, every once in a while I start sobbing so hard that I can't breathe.

I feel like I should have been there.  Or that the last time that I saw him, I should have hugged him longer.  I am grateful that I was able to have one last summer with him in California, and at our family cabin.  However, that thought doesn't take away the overwhelming sense of pain and sadness that I feel.  I hate Utah right now. I hate being here.  I need to be at home.  I hate the fact that I can't do anything...that all that I can do is sit here in my apartment, by myself.  I can't believe that I will never see him again.  He won't be there when I visit my family.  He will never chase his tail or hid socks in corners around the house.  He will never go on another ride on our ATVs.

I hate that it was so sudden.  We were sure that he would be around for a few more years.  He had lost almost all of his hearing and had a tiny bit of arthritis; but, overall, he was really healthy.  We should of had more time with him.  I wish that I could have seen him and held him one more time.  I wish I could be with my family.  In spite of the fact that I know that it is true, I still cannot believe it.  I don't know what else to say.  Instead, I will say goodbye.  I am going to go cry some more. 

The End of Summer...

I go back to work in about a week and a half.  I can't say that I am completely looking forward to it.  After two straight years of having really difficult kids in my class, along with other "issues," I am still feeling a little burnt out. It's not a burnt-out, I can't think about working ever again, feeling.  Believe me, most of the time, I like to go to work.  I get bored when I don't have anything to do or anywhere to go.  This is a specific burnt-out on teaching type of deal.  I remember at the start of my second year of teaching I was looking forward to things.  I had hope for the future.  I told myself that the year would be easier.  I would have students that were a little easier to work with, not that I didn't love some of my previous students--because I totally did.  I told myself to have faith in the district, that they would start to appreciate their employees.  I looked forward to adjusting my curriculum and changing little things that I wasn't quite satisfied with the year before.  Instead I spent the year frustrated...again.

I have been doing a lot of thinking over the summer.  When I first got a teaching job in Utah I told myself that I would stick it out, no matter what the situation was, for three years.  In three years, I would have cleared my credential and have my Level 2 licence.  I now have two years under my belt.  My third year looms ahead.  I have decided to start looking for jobs outside of my district.  I wish I could just transport my school and co-workers to a different district.  I love my co-workers!  I feel like I got so lucky with where I ended up.  I found myself in a team of people where everyone got along.  Unfortunately, the district is the problem.  I am tired of living paycheck to paycheck.  I am tired of feeling over-whelmed with everything that I have to do.  I am tired of staying up until all hours of the night doing work.  I know that not all of this will be fixed if I move districts; but, believe me, a lot of other things will.

So, as much I love my co-workers and wish I could continue to work with them, I feel like I need to start to figure out what is best for me and my life.  There is a bigger district near me that pays a little bit more.  I am pretty sure that it will be difficult to get a job there, because it seems very competitive.  I am hoping that I can get some really good references together and that those, along with my teaching experience, will give me some edge.  This whole process has become even more necessary as I just learned that my rent will be going up by $50/month.  Plus, it continues to go up by about $10/month every time I sign a new lease.  So, along with my decision to look at other jobs, I will also be re-thinking my living situation.  The biggest decision is whether to rent, knowing that life can change quickly and without notice, or should I buy, while interest rates and housing prices are low.  If I buy, I want to figure out the job thing quickly so I can get a place close to wherever I work.

The last decision that I am trying to make is what grade to teach.  When I was going through my teaching program, I was placed in a 4th grade class for about a year and a second grade class for a few months.  Then I was hired in a fourth grade class.  It seems like the world wants me to be a fourth grade teacher.  Yet, I have always felt drawn to the lower grades.  The slightly lower class size being just one of the perks.  The students seem to be a little more respectful.  They don't have that "big-kid" attitude.  So, I am thinking of looking at anything from K-2nd.  I am hoping to get an early jump on the job search and maybe start to get an idea of what the curriculum is like in those grades.  Luckily, I have a good friend at my school who teaches the second grade.  I don't want to tell a lot of people about my job search, just in case it doesn't work out.  Unfortunately, that makes getting references a little tricky.  I am going to have to find a way to let a few people that I am looking.  Let's just hope this doesn't turn into an awkward year.

In other news, one of my good friends was married in June.  I went to California and Idaho for most of the summer.  I would get texts from her every once in a while that let me know that she was bored.  Her husband works and she is, like me, off for the summer.  We have hung out a few times since I have been back.  She is convinced that her relationships with her friends will not change now that she is married.  However, I have a feeling that once work comes back into the picture she will find that she doesn't have that kind of time.  As one of the few people left who are my age and single, I have come to expect this.  I have more married friends than single ones now.  That is how life goes.  What are you going to do?  ;)  So, that's it.  The next few weeks won't be very news-worthy.  I will just be planning, shopping, and going to church.  I will keep you updated on life, work, job searches, etc... Take care!

Testing...

    As of Friday, my class has completed two of their six CRT exams.  They are done with the language arts portion.  So, for the next four weeks math and science will be our main focus.  I wish that I could make kids understand that one day they will look back at their years in school and wish that they had tried harder.  I know that I certainly did!  But the truth is that you can't make them care, even if you really want to.

    For the last few weeks, I have been sending home review homework.  This basically consists of our block tests and a science fill in the blank page.  All the students have to do for the science part is read a selection and fill in the missing words.  They don't even have to remember anything.  They just have to read.  After two weeks of grading these, I am become worried about our CRTs.  So much guessing is happening.  It is very frustrating.  I hate that we still have four more weeks of testing.  I don't know if they, or myself, will make it through to the end of the year.  Six weeks left!

Nothing New...

There really isn't anything new to report in my life.  I am still working on my requirements as a probationary teacher.  You have to meet four main requirements as a new teacher:

• Pass the Praxis:  PLT exam
• Complete the E.Y.E. portfolio
• Work with a mentor teacher for three years 
• Complete three years of JPAS cycles (four observations and two interviews with the principal per year).

I have passed the Praxis, completed the portfolio, and worked with a mentor.  All I have left is next year's JPAS cycle and then I am done!  I finished my portfolio this week.  It was easier than I thought it would be.  I have to show evidence for five different teaching areas, explain why I chose the items, and then had the principal sign off on them.  I am glad that I got it done this year; next year they are increasing it to ten items.

As far as my personal life goes, I am still dating.  It is frustrating though and sometimes I feel like quitting.  I have decided not to renew my online dating account once it expires though.  It is too expensive for me right.  Plus, things have slowed way done and there always the same people on there.  So, I will probably take a break from that side of things until the next school year starts or something.  My friend Tracie is getting married in June and she is convinced that I will meet someone at her wedding.  I guess we will see.  ;)