It has been one week since I lost my best friend. In spite of what I believed at the beginning of this awful week, I am doing better. I still pray and cry for Kody every night; but I am managing to make it through the day without bursting into tears. I can't talk about him with others yet. At least, I can't talk about him without getting teary-eyed. I am just grateful that I was able to get through my first week of teaching without breaking down in front of my class.
I almost feel like I am going through the stages of grief in reverse. I started with accepting the horrible truth, but now I feel like I am moving towards denial. I still feel like he will be there waiting for me when I go home for the holidays. I know that it will be hard every time I go somewhere that he is supposed to be. I am still finding a little bit of fur that he left with me over my time with him at the cabin this summer. That has been hard. I look forward to the time when I can think of him, and see pictures, and smile instead of cry. For right now, don't ask me how I am doing. I can't lie to people that I know. If you ask me how I am doing, I will probably start crying again.
In other news, I made it through my first week of work. We have VERY full classes this year; we are starting with 30 students each. The kids seem like a good group though, and we have a couple new additions to the staff this year that already seem amazing. In spite of all of that, I am still looking at my options for the next year. Those of you who know what has been going on over the last year have heard me mention my frustrations with my district. The pay has been frozen for awhile. We are already one of the lowest paid districts; then, when you add in the fact that they never raise your pay based on experience, it gets difficult to live. The district has a salary schedule online that is supposed to reflect what we will be paid as we stay on with the district. Unfortunately, that schedule isn't being honored. I get that times are hard. The district needs more funding than it gets. I understand all of that. However, my rent goes up a little every year (this year it went up A TON) and my bills never get any lower. I need to be able to survive.
I have been looking at other school districts and lower grades. I have been hoping that if I wasn't so stressed about money, and if I were teaching kids that were a little younger (which I have always thought I would enjoy), that maybe I could be happy teaching. I am hoping to try that for a bit and see if it helps my outlook on my chosen career. However, if I make this change and still find myself only feeling stressed and frustrated I will start to look at other career options. I have no idea what direction my professional career will take. I plan on taking this next year to figure out what else I want to do and how I can make it happen. I don't plan to make any serious moves until everything lines up so that I can do so.
This whole thing with Kody has made me seriously consider trying to go back to California. It is really hard being away from my family. I felt like this before Kody passed away. Losing him just made those initial feelings a little stronger. Plus, I can't stand the thought of some other disaster happening while I am so far away. Obviously, I couldn't go to California as a teacher, because they still aren't hiring those. I am thinking of starting as a paralegal or an administrative assistant. After three years of teaching, I think that I could handle the organization and management required for those types of jobs. I am open to suggestions, though. If anyone is, or knows of, a teacher who switched to something else maybe you could tell me what they did and what they had to do to get there.
So, there you go. I still have no idea what direction to take in life. I have all of these feelings, about everything, that I am having to sort through. I feel guilty about leaving the co-workers that I love, conflicted about when and how to ask for reference letters. I love and miss my family in California and I know that I will never truly feel at home when we are so far apart. I am still mourning the loss of my best friend and that is making all of the decisions that I need to make that more confusing. I just hope that I can figure all of this out. I pray that it will all work out for the best and that I will end up where I am supposed to be. When I first moved to Utah, I felt it was right. Everything worked out perfectly and I just knew that I was supposed to be here. I don't really feel that way anymore. Maybe I met the people and had the experiences that I was supposed to have here. Maybe it is time for me to have new experiences somewhere else now. Whatever I am supposed to do, and wherever I am supposed to go, I hope I get some sort of clear sign soon.
encouragement. Sometimes it can be difficult to see past sorrow, especially when you are deep in the thick of it. It is nice to have people who can assure you that things do get better. While I am not yet in the "things ARE better" stage, I am starting to see that they will be someday...in the FAR off future. That's all for now. I hope you all have a great week and that no one else gets any bad news. :)
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