Grief...

"We lost him."  Those three words are constantly haunting me.  All day long I hear them in my head.  Every time I think of those three words the news of Kody's passing hits me as hard as it did the first time.  Every part of my being knows that it is true; but part of me can't believe that it is real.  I just can't seem to accept the fact that he will never again be there to great me when I go home to California.  He will never twitch in his sleep again.  All of the little things that he used to do that were so endearing...and now he is gone.  I just can't seem to be happy in a world where he doesn't exist.  I have cried, I should change that to sobbed uncontrollably, ever day since I heard the news.

People who know me well, know that I hate to cry.  I am not a "pretty" crier.  My face turns red, my eyes get bloodshot and swollen, my face scrunches up, and I can't breathe.  Yet, that is what I have looked like a few times a day since Saturday.  People who aren't animal people don't seem to get it.  They say that they are sorry for my loss; like that is supposed to make it all better and now I can get over it.  I don't really care what they think.  I loved my dog.  I feel like I have lost a member of my family.  I HAVE lost a member of my family.  Nothing will make this better.

 I feel alone.  I come home and do nothing.  I have no distractions.  In theory, once the school year really starts I will be overwhelmed with papers and grades; but for now, I have nothing.  I have to spoken with my family everyday since it happened.  This whole things makes me wish that I were home, and with them, even more than I already did.  I am sure that they are tired of hearing me cry every time we talk.  I can't help it though.  I don't know what else to do.  Crying seems to be all that I do lately.  I have cry at every little thing.  I have never cried in front of so many people in my life.  Every time someone asks me how I am...I cry.  I have started telling people that they aren't allowed to ask me that anymore.  Maybe one of these days I will make it through a work day where no one asks me how I am, and I don't cry; but I know that I won't be able to stop the tears once I am at my apartment.  There is nothing to do but think about my sweet boy.

I have no prior experience with grief of any kind.  I have lost great-grandparents when I was really young; but that is about it.  All of my family is still with me (thank goodness).  I have never lost a pet.  I don't know how to get over this.  I don't think that I WANT to get over this.  Kody was my dog.  He will always be my dog.  My family talks about getting another dog one day; but it wouldn't be my dog.  It would be their dog.  I wouldn't have the same connection.  It wouldn't know me.  I can't even think of getting my own dog someday.  I don't know if I can do this again.  I don't know if I can put all of my heart, soul, and love into something and have it leave.  Plus, I feel like I would betraying Kody.  I know that I would love the new dog; but what if I loved him more than Kody (which I don't think would ever happen--I can't even imagine loving a dog more than I loved Kody); or what if I couldn't love the new dog as much because I was always comparing it to this wonderful dog that I loved so much?

Great.  I am sobbing again.  Maybe I should just go to bed.  Goodnight.  I love you all.  Please take a moment to hug your family, especially the fluffy ones.  Take care!

Kody

Today I learned that my beloved dog, Kody, passed away.  He was 15 years old.  It happened really suddenly.  He had gotten into the garbage earlier this week (which is something he did all of the time).  I guess he got sick after and was throwing up and acting strange.  The next day he seemed fine.  It went like that for a few days.  He would be really sick and then the next day he would be a little better.  Of course, I didn't know that any of this was going on.  I was busy getting ready for the new school year, in Utah.  This morning I received a text from my sister informing what was happening and letting me know that my parents were taking Kody to the vet.  I called my sister right away.

Throughout the day, I would receive updates from her as she spoke with my parents over the phone.  The vet put Kody on oxygen and a I.V.  He was breathing slowly and his gums were pale.  They did blood tests and found that his blood pressure was low and that his blood was thin and not clotting.  They theorized that he had somehow ingested an aspirin product; but they didn't know for sure.  They told my parents that he needed a blood transfusion.  They had to drive to Ontario to get in done.  I guess, that on the way he collapsed.  The hospital tried to revive him, but he never woke up again.

I was sitting in my apartment waiting for an update when my cell phone rang.  It was from my Mom's phone.  All I could think was "no."  I answered and my Dad was on the phone.  As soon as I heard his voice I knew that Kody was gone.  He confirmed the feeling that I had.  "We lost him."  Since that moment I have pretty much been crying non-stop.  I don't know what to do. I have never lost a pet, or even a family member.  I don't know how to deal with loss.  Plus, I am all alone here in Utah.  I have no one.  So, I just sit here crying.  Mostly it is just a steady stream; but, every once in a while I start sobbing so hard that I can't breathe.

I feel like I should have been there.  Or that the last time that I saw him, I should have hugged him longer.  I am grateful that I was able to have one last summer with him in California, and at our family cabin.  However, that thought doesn't take away the overwhelming sense of pain and sadness that I feel.  I hate Utah right now. I hate being here.  I need to be at home.  I hate the fact that I can't do anything...that all that I can do is sit here in my apartment, by myself.  I can't believe that I will never see him again.  He won't be there when I visit my family.  He will never chase his tail or hid socks in corners around the house.  He will never go on another ride on our ATVs.

I hate that it was so sudden.  We were sure that he would be around for a few more years.  He had lost almost all of his hearing and had a tiny bit of arthritis; but, overall, he was really healthy.  We should of had more time with him.  I wish that I could have seen him and held him one more time.  I wish I could be with my family.  In spite of the fact that I know that it is true, I still cannot believe it.  I don't know what else to say.  Instead, I will say goodbye.  I am going to go cry some more. 

The End of Summer...

I go back to work in about a week and a half.  I can't say that I am completely looking forward to it.  After two straight years of having really difficult kids in my class, along with other "issues," I am still feeling a little burnt out. It's not a burnt-out, I can't think about working ever again, feeling.  Believe me, most of the time, I like to go to work.  I get bored when I don't have anything to do or anywhere to go.  This is a specific burnt-out on teaching type of deal.  I remember at the start of my second year of teaching I was looking forward to things.  I had hope for the future.  I told myself that the year would be easier.  I would have students that were a little easier to work with, not that I didn't love some of my previous students--because I totally did.  I told myself to have faith in the district, that they would start to appreciate their employees.  I looked forward to adjusting my curriculum and changing little things that I wasn't quite satisfied with the year before.  Instead I spent the year frustrated...again.

I have been doing a lot of thinking over the summer.  When I first got a teaching job in Utah I told myself that I would stick it out, no matter what the situation was, for three years.  In three years, I would have cleared my credential and have my Level 2 licence.  I now have two years under my belt.  My third year looms ahead.  I have decided to start looking for jobs outside of my district.  I wish I could just transport my school and co-workers to a different district.  I love my co-workers!  I feel like I got so lucky with where I ended up.  I found myself in a team of people where everyone got along.  Unfortunately, the district is the problem.  I am tired of living paycheck to paycheck.  I am tired of feeling over-whelmed with everything that I have to do.  I am tired of staying up until all hours of the night doing work.  I know that not all of this will be fixed if I move districts; but, believe me, a lot of other things will.

So, as much I love my co-workers and wish I could continue to work with them, I feel like I need to start to figure out what is best for me and my life.  There is a bigger district near me that pays a little bit more.  I am pretty sure that it will be difficult to get a job there, because it seems very competitive.  I am hoping that I can get some really good references together and that those, along with my teaching experience, will give me some edge.  This whole process has become even more necessary as I just learned that my rent will be going up by $50/month.  Plus, it continues to go up by about $10/month every time I sign a new lease.  So, along with my decision to look at other jobs, I will also be re-thinking my living situation.  The biggest decision is whether to rent, knowing that life can change quickly and without notice, or should I buy, while interest rates and housing prices are low.  If I buy, I want to figure out the job thing quickly so I can get a place close to wherever I work.

The last decision that I am trying to make is what grade to teach.  When I was going through my teaching program, I was placed in a 4th grade class for about a year and a second grade class for a few months.  Then I was hired in a fourth grade class.  It seems like the world wants me to be a fourth grade teacher.  Yet, I have always felt drawn to the lower grades.  The slightly lower class size being just one of the perks.  The students seem to be a little more respectful.  They don't have that "big-kid" attitude.  So, I am thinking of looking at anything from K-2nd.  I am hoping to get an early jump on the job search and maybe start to get an idea of what the curriculum is like in those grades.  Luckily, I have a good friend at my school who teaches the second grade.  I don't want to tell a lot of people about my job search, just in case it doesn't work out.  Unfortunately, that makes getting references a little tricky.  I am going to have to find a way to let a few people that I am looking.  Let's just hope this doesn't turn into an awkward year.

In other news, one of my good friends was married in June.  I went to California and Idaho for most of the summer.  I would get texts from her every once in a while that let me know that she was bored.  Her husband works and she is, like me, off for the summer.  We have hung out a few times since I have been back.  She is convinced that her relationships with her friends will not change now that she is married.  However, I have a feeling that once work comes back into the picture she will find that she doesn't have that kind of time.  As one of the few people left who are my age and single, I have come to expect this.  I have more married friends than single ones now.  That is how life goes.  What are you going to do?  ;)  So, that's it.  The next few weeks won't be very news-worthy.  I will just be planning, shopping, and going to church.  I will keep you updated on life, work, job searches, etc... Take care!