Grief...

"We lost him."  Those three words are constantly haunting me.  All day long I hear them in my head.  Every time I think of those three words the news of Kody's passing hits me as hard as it did the first time.  Every part of my being knows that it is true; but part of me can't believe that it is real.  I just can't seem to accept the fact that he will never again be there to great me when I go home to California.  He will never twitch in his sleep again.  All of the little things that he used to do that were so endearing...and now he is gone.  I just can't seem to be happy in a world where he doesn't exist.  I have cried, I should change that to sobbed uncontrollably, ever day since I heard the news.

People who know me well, know that I hate to cry.  I am not a "pretty" crier.  My face turns red, my eyes get bloodshot and swollen, my face scrunches up, and I can't breathe.  Yet, that is what I have looked like a few times a day since Saturday.  People who aren't animal people don't seem to get it.  They say that they are sorry for my loss; like that is supposed to make it all better and now I can get over it.  I don't really care what they think.  I loved my dog.  I feel like I have lost a member of my family.  I HAVE lost a member of my family.  Nothing will make this better.

 I feel alone.  I come home and do nothing.  I have no distractions.  In theory, once the school year really starts I will be overwhelmed with papers and grades; but for now, I have nothing.  I have to spoken with my family everyday since it happened.  This whole things makes me wish that I were home, and with them, even more than I already did.  I am sure that they are tired of hearing me cry every time we talk.  I can't help it though.  I don't know what else to do.  Crying seems to be all that I do lately.  I have cry at every little thing.  I have never cried in front of so many people in my life.  Every time someone asks me how I am...I cry.  I have started telling people that they aren't allowed to ask me that anymore.  Maybe one of these days I will make it through a work day where no one asks me how I am, and I don't cry; but I know that I won't be able to stop the tears once I am at my apartment.  There is nothing to do but think about my sweet boy.

I have no prior experience with grief of any kind.  I have lost great-grandparents when I was really young; but that is about it.  All of my family is still with me (thank goodness).  I have never lost a pet.  I don't know how to get over this.  I don't think that I WANT to get over this.  Kody was my dog.  He will always be my dog.  My family talks about getting another dog one day; but it wouldn't be my dog.  It would be their dog.  I wouldn't have the same connection.  It wouldn't know me.  I can't even think of getting my own dog someday.  I don't know if I can do this again.  I don't know if I can put all of my heart, soul, and love into something and have it leave.  Plus, I feel like I would betraying Kody.  I know that I would love the new dog; but what if I loved him more than Kody (which I don't think would ever happen--I can't even imagine loving a dog more than I loved Kody); or what if I couldn't love the new dog as much because I was always comparing it to this wonderful dog that I loved so much?

Great.  I am sobbing again.  Maybe I should just go to bed.  Goodnight.  I love you all.  Please take a moment to hug your family, especially the fluffy ones.  Take care!