I have had to do a lot of serious thinking over the last few weeks. It is interesting what the holidays make you start to consider. When I first moved to Utah, I had no idea how long I would be teaching and living here. I sort of planned on 3-5 years. In three years, I would have cleared my Utah credential; in five years, maybe things would start to look better in California and I could move back. I had made the decision, this year, that I needed to switch districts.
I wanted to work for the Salt Lake school district. They pay better and have a better schedule. I figured that all of this would allow me to go home more frequently and help me not to stress so much about money. I was looking at other districts as well. That decision was easy. I knew that I would be moving somewhere new by the end of this school year. My rent keeps going up and I needed to make a change. I thought that making this switch, as well as switching to a younger grade, would refresh my outlook on life here. I have quickly realized that I was very wrong.
It has always been difficult for me to come back to Utah after a trip home; but I was able to do it. I was able to cry a little and then get back into my routine. I have mentioned before that this year has felt different. Something didn't feel right. I felt like a change needed to be made. I wasn't sure what that change was. I started to think about home more and more often. Kody's death didn't help the situation at all. I couldn't stand to be away from everything that I knew and loved anymore. I still continued to look for jobs in Utah (I started to ask my co-workers for recommendation letters); but the thought of California was still in my mind.
I went home for Thanksgiving and had a great time. We got an extra day and I really enjoyed the time with my family. Sunday came all to soon and I couldn't believe that I had to go back. Right before I left, I broke down. I told my parents that I didn't want to go back. My dad told me that it was only four weeks until Christmas and then I would be back again. I told him that I was worried about the time after Christmas; the five months before the summer break. I really didn't feel like I could do it. I came back to Utah and tried to get back into the swing of things. I kept looking forward to my next break.
My trip home for Christmas was just as great. It was colder than I had been hoping, but way warmer that the below 20 degree weather that I had left behind. The second day that I was home, I went with parents to pick up their new beagle puppy. I held him in my arms the whole drive home. By the end of the drive, we had named him Jack. He is a 0-60 type of dog. Meaning, he is either sleeping or acting incredibly hyper and crazy. I love him already. He would sleep in my arms a lot. We heard that beagles were very hard to train, and I think that we all forgot what it was like to really train a puppy. I think he will get there, he just needs time and patience.
After Thanksgiving, I had decided to apply at a few private schools in California. I thought that they might have more openings that public schools. I was able to get an interview with one in Yorba Linda while I was home. The interview went well, but I was really disappointed with the salary. It was about $20,000 less than I would make as a fourth year teacher at a public school there. Not enough to live on my own. I haven't received an offer yet, but it is still really early in the school year for them to make any decisions; plus I think that they could tell that I wasn't sure about the job.
The break flew by and, before I knew it, I had to fly back to Utah. I started getting more and more depressed as the day grew closer. On the day I flew back, I cried even more than I had at Thanksgiving. I asked my dad for a blessing and we all talked about my different options. I knew that I had to get back to Southern California no matter what. My parents drove me to the airport and I cried. My mom walked me into the airport and I cried. I swear, I almost turned around and went back. At the moment, I didn't care about all the crap I had in my apartment in Utah. I couldn't make myself go back.
When I got home, I asked my family if we could Skype. I was already sobbing at that point. They basically sat there and watched me cry uncontrollably. Sorry about that guys. There has only been one other time that I have cried so hard and so much, and that was in August when Kody passed away. For the second time, my eyelids were swollen and it looked like I had been punched in the face on both sides (really attractive by the way). I knew now, more than ever that looking for jobs in Utah was pointless. I HAD to get back to California no matter what. I can't do this anymore. A lot of people have presented me with "what if" situations. "What if this happens? Would you stay?" I have thought about each possibly seriously and carefully. the answer is no. I can't stay here anymore. If doesn't feel right and I am not happy. I realize now that I haven't been happy in a really long time. Not really.
I started to look for more California teaching jobs. I know most schools won't post until the spring, but I found myself getting really discouraged. I convinced myself that I was never going to find anything. The thought in my head was that the timing wouldn't work out, know one would hire me because I can't come in for a bunch of interview because of where I live, and I would be stuck here forever. My parents presented me with a backup plan. If I really couldn't find anything, I could live with them and be a sub in a few districts until the market got better. At least I would be in the area and more available for interviews. I would have to make enough for rent, gas, insurance, car payments, etc... I figured that I would have to sub 13-15 days a month to make enough. If I can sign up with a few districts I will probably make it. Once they knew me, I was getting called a lot when I sub there before. We called this "Plan B;" and I was not allowed to make a decision about while upset.
The more that I though about "Plan B," the calmer I started to feel. I could go back to California no matter what. I could keep looking and hoping for a job, but I had a backup plan. I haven't officially made the decision, but I am pretty sure I know what it will be. I will continue to look for a job like crazy, and pray that I beat out the 200+ other teachers that are also looking. I will plan on moving to California this summer, no matter what. If I don't get hired before I move, I keep hoping to be one of those teachers that gets hired right before the school year starts. If nothing comes up, I will move back home and do "Plan B." It feels strange to ask my friends and family to pray for me, but will you anyway. I know, without a doubt, that I cannot live here anymore. Please pray that I can get a teaching job in California. I know that it is what I always pray for.
That being said, I hope that you are all well. If anyone needs anything, please let me know. Take care!
