"We lost him." Those three words are constantly haunting me. All day long I hear them in my head. Every time I think of those three words the news of Kody's passing hits me as hard as it did the first time. Every part of my being knows that it is true; but part of me can't believe that it is real. I just can't seem to accept the fact that he will never again be there to great me when I go home to California. He will never twitch in his sleep again. All of the little things that he used to do that were so endearing...and now he is gone. I just can't seem to be happy in a world where he doesn't exist. I have cried, I should change that to sobbed uncontrollably, ever day since I heard the news.
People who know me well, know that I hate to cry. I am not a "pretty" crier. My face turns red, my eyes get bloodshot and swollen, my face scrunches up, and I can't breathe. Yet, that is what I have looked like a few times a day since Saturday. People who aren't animal people don't seem to get it. They say that they are sorry for my loss; like that is supposed to make it all better and now I can get over it. I don't really care what they think. I loved my dog. I feel like I have lost a member of my family. I HAVE lost a member of my family. Nothing will make this better.
I feel alone. I come home and do nothing. I have no distractions. In theory, once the school year really starts I will be overwhelmed with papers and grades; but for now, I have nothing. I have to spoken with my family everyday since it happened. This whole things makes me wish that I were home, and with them, even more than I already did. I am sure that they are tired of hearing me cry every time we talk. I can't help it though. I don't know what else to do. Crying seems to be all that I do lately. I have cry at every little thing. I have never cried in front of so many people in my life. Every time someone asks me how I am...I cry. I have started telling people that they aren't allowed to ask me that anymore. Maybe one of these days I will make it through a work day where no one asks me how I am, and I don't cry; but I know that I won't be able to stop the tears once I am at my apartment. There is nothing to do but think about my sweet boy.
I have no prior experience with grief of any kind. I have lost great-grandparents when I was really young; but that is about it. All of my family is still with me (thank goodness). I have never lost a pet. I don't know how to get over this. I don't think that I WANT to get over this. Kody was my dog. He will always be my dog. My family talks about getting another dog one day; but it wouldn't be my dog. It would be their dog. I wouldn't have the same connection. It wouldn't know me. I can't even think of getting my own dog someday. I don't know if I can do this again. I don't know if I can put all of my heart, soul, and love into something and have it leave. Plus, I feel like I would betraying Kody. I know that I would love the new dog; but what if I loved him more than Kody (which I don't think would ever happen--I can't even imagine loving a dog more than I loved Kody); or what if I couldn't love the new dog as much because I was always comparing it to this wonderful dog that I loved so much?
Great. I am sobbing again. Maybe I should just go to bed. Goodnight. I love you all. Please take a moment to hug your family, especially the fluffy ones. Take care!
2 comments:
It doesn't work that way; you can't replace the ones you lose. I moved a thousand times growing up, it seemed, and every time there was loss. You do move on. The world keeps turning. You meet new people, make new friends... and eventually, you often lose them, too, be it to time, distance, or death. It doesn't get any easier.
And so when we hit our senior year of high school, I took a step back. Most of you had been in one place for a long time. You had friends you had known forever. You thought we'd all somehow stick together past graduation. I knew things didn't work that way, so I wanted to ease the transition. Fading out doesn't solve everything, but it *does* make things easier... makes the loss feel more natural than when things are taken from you suddenly.
Jorge noticed this, and one day he pulled me aside and said, "Liz, I get what you're doing. Cut it out. You don't know what the future holds." And I realized... yeah, it was still going to suck, but for now, I had all you guys. And I would enjoy that. And I did. And I don't regret those years, even though I knew I'd end up losing everyone... and some of those losses were hard.
You're probably not ready for it yet... but eventually you have to make a choice. Either you cast everything aside and isolate yourself so you can avoid feeling loss, and perhaps keep others from feeling loss because of you, or you learn to enjoy what you have and thank God for the precious few moments you have.
And they are precious few, be they with an old friend in a place you have loved forever or with a person you just met in a strange new land.
Grieve for now. It does your heart well to express what it truly feels, and it becomes sick when it denies such deep emotions. One day, God will lift your head up again.
That was beautiful! Thanks for commenting, Liz, and helping my girl through this. Lisa (Steph's mom) :)
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