Holidays...

I have had to do a lot of serious thinking over the last few weeks.  It is interesting what the holidays make you start to consider.  When I first moved to Utah, I had no idea how long I would be teaching and living here.  I sort of planned on 3-5 years.  In three years, I would have cleared my Utah credential; in five years, maybe things would start to look better in California and I could move back.  I had made the decision, this year, that I needed to switch districts.

I wanted to work for the Salt Lake school district.  They pay better and have a better schedule.  I figured that all of this would allow me to go home more frequently and help me not to stress so much about money.  I was looking at other districts as well.  That decision was easy.  I knew that I would be moving somewhere new by the end of this school year.  My rent keeps going up and I needed to make a change.  I thought that making this switch, as well as switching to a younger grade, would refresh my outlook on life here.  I have quickly realized that I was very wrong.

It has always been difficult for me to come back to Utah after a trip home; but I was able to do it.  I was able to cry a little and then get back into my routine.  I have mentioned before that this year has felt different. Something didn't feel right.  I felt like a change needed to be made.  I wasn't sure what that change was.  I started to think about home more and more often.  Kody's death didn't help the situation at all.  I couldn't stand to be away from everything that I knew and loved anymore.  I still continued to look for jobs in Utah (I started to ask my co-workers for recommendation letters); but the thought of California was still in my mind.

I went home for Thanksgiving and had a great time.  We got an extra day and I really enjoyed the time with my family.  Sunday came all to soon and I couldn't believe that I had to go back.  Right before I left, I broke down.  I told my parents that I didn't want to go back.  My dad told me that it was only four weeks until Christmas and then I would be back again.  I told him that I was worried about the time after Christmas; the five months before the summer break.  I really didn't feel like I could do it.  I came back to Utah and tried to get back into the swing of things.  I kept looking forward to my next break.

My trip home for Christmas was just as great.  It was colder than I had been hoping, but way warmer that the below 20 degree weather that I had left behind.  The second day that I was home, I went with parents to pick up their new beagle puppy.  I held him in my arms the whole drive home.  By the end of the drive, we had named him Jack.  He is a 0-60 type of dog.  Meaning, he is either sleeping or acting incredibly hyper and crazy.  I love him already.  He would sleep in my arms a lot.  We heard that beagles were very hard to train, and I think that we all forgot what it was like to really train a puppy.  I think he will get there, he just needs time and patience.

After Thanksgiving, I had decided to apply at a few private schools in California.  I thought that they might have more openings that public schools.  I was able to get an interview with one in Yorba Linda while I was home.  The interview went well, but I was really disappointed with the salary.  It was about $20,000 less than I would make as a fourth year teacher at a public school there.  Not enough to live on my own.  I haven't received an offer yet, but it is still really early in the school year for them to make any decisions; plus I think that they could tell that I wasn't sure about the job.

The break flew by and, before I knew it, I had to fly back to Utah.  I started getting more and more depressed as the day grew closer.  On the day I flew back, I cried even more than I had at Thanksgiving.  I asked my dad for a blessing and we all talked about my different options.  I knew that I had to get back to Southern California no matter what.  My parents drove me to the airport and I cried.  My mom walked me into the airport and I cried.  I swear, I almost turned around and went back.  At the moment, I didn't care about all the crap I had in my apartment in Utah.  I couldn't make myself go back.

When I got home, I asked my family if we could Skype.  I was already sobbing at that point.  They basically sat there and watched me cry uncontrollably.  Sorry about that guys.  There has only been one other time that I have cried so hard and so much, and that was in August when Kody passed away.  For the second time, my eyelids were swollen and it looked like I had been punched in the face on both sides (really attractive by the way).  I knew now, more than ever that looking for jobs in Utah was pointless.  I HAD to get back to California no matter what.  I can't do this anymore.  A lot of people have presented me with "what if" situations.  "What if this happens?  Would you stay?"  I have thought about each possibly seriously and carefully.  the answer is no.  I can't stay here anymore.  If doesn't feel right and I am not happy.  I realize now that I haven't been happy in a really long time.  Not really.

I started to look for more California teaching jobs.  I know most schools won't post until the spring, but I found myself getting really discouraged.  I convinced myself that I was never going to find anything.  The thought in my head was that the timing wouldn't work out, know one would hire me because I can't come in for a bunch of interview because of where I live, and I would be stuck here forever.  My parents presented me with a backup plan.  If I really couldn't find anything, I could live with them and be a sub in a few districts until the market got better.  At least I would be in the area and more available for interviews.  I would have to make enough for rent, gas, insurance, car payments, etc...  I figured that I would have to sub 13-15 days a month to make enough.  If I can sign up with a few districts  I will probably make it.  Once they knew me, I was getting called a lot when I sub there before.  We called this "Plan B;" and I was not allowed to make a decision about while upset.

The more that I though about "Plan B," the calmer I started to feel.  I could go back to California no matter what.  I could keep looking and hoping for a job, but I had a backup plan.  I haven't officially made the decision, but I am pretty sure I know what it will be.  I will continue to look for a job like crazy, and pray that I beat out the 200+ other teachers that are also looking.  I will plan on moving to California this summer, no matter what.  If I don't get hired before I move, I keep hoping to be one of those teachers that gets hired right before the school year starts.  If nothing comes up, I will move back home and do "Plan B."  It feels strange to ask my friends and family to pray for me, but will you anyway.  I know, without a doubt, that I cannot live here anymore.  Please pray that I can get a teaching job in California.  I know that it is what I always pray for.

That being said, I hope that you are all well.  If anyone needs anything, please let me know.  Take care!