Week 4...

Okay, I really need to be cleaning my apartment; but I just don't feel like it right now.  Instead I figured I would sit down and update the old blog!  It has been four weeks.  Four weeks since my family lost the best dog in the world.

To answer your next question, yes.  It is still a daily struggle for me.  Half the time, I think that he is still alive and healthy and that I will see him at Thanksgiving.  I have even had dreams about him still being alive.  They are really good dreams.  But then the waking up part happens and I am sad all over again.  Things have been a little easier now that work is in full swing.  I have been massively busy, and stressed, so I have been able to make it through the day.  So, even though it doesn't seem like it should, life continues to go on.

Speaking of work, the whole steps and lanes agreement isn't during out as quite as great as people thought.  We are still getting our steps and lanes, but it won't be as retroactive as we were first told.  Teachers on traditional track with get back-pay from September.  So, really, we will only get one month of back-pay.  Other teachers are upset because there will be no cost of living increase.  So, if you are teacher who has been in the district for awhile the agreement doesn't help.  Those teachers have already reached the top step and will never go any higher unless there are COLA increases.  There really should be every year.  Life will never get any cheaper.  Costs continue to rise quickly.  Yet, if the salary isn't adjusted then people will always suffer and struggle.  We will see what lies in the future for this school district.

I think my family is doing well.  They all seem very busy.  I know that they are still trying to establish new routines now that Kody is gone.  I only talk to them once a week and half the time they forget to tell me things that are going on.  So I have to find out about them on Facebook.  Thanks for telling me about your trip to the Grand Canyon, next month, guys!  I love you too!  ;)  

I am still counting down the days until Thanksgiving.  I am trying to plan when I want to leave.  We get an extra day off this year and I am planning on driving.  It is cheaper and the roads shouldn't be too bad at that time (not like they might be at Christmas).  So, the question is:  do I leave after work on Tuesday, or do I leave Wednesday morning?  If I leave on Tuesday I can either drive straight there (which I did last year--even though it was exhausting!), or I can try to stay at a hotel in St. George (which is more money).  Many things to consider.  We will see how I feel in November, I guess.  Until then, I am trying to get things ready for my Dad's 50th birthday, and then my Mom's *un-numbered, because I think she would kill me if I posted her age online* birthday the following month.  Then there will be Christmas to prepare for after that.  Lots to do!

Well, I'd better get cleaning.  If I keep putting it off, it will only get worse!  I am sending love and prayers your way!  Take care!

Week Three...

Yes, I have been labeling my posts based on the amount of time since Kody passed away.  Maybe that will change in the future.  For now, I still feel like I am just trying to make it through each day without breaking down.  Until I can get to that point, making it through a whole week is an accomplishment.  It has been  week filled with changes, most of those were actually positive ones though.  I have been really struggling to count my blessings recently.  It has been nice to be able to add to my blessings list.  I still feel like I need some really big positive thing to happen to get me out of this depressive funk that I have been in.  Maybe something like that is still coming down the road...

As most people know, my dishwasher broke pretty much the first week I got back.  I called the manager of my apartment complex and he put it a maintenance request.  A week and a half later, still no one had been by to even look at my dishwasher.  I finally broke down and called for an update.  The next day, while I was at work, someone came in to look at it (AFTER I called).  They left a note saying that they needed to order parts and not to use it until then.  Fine.  I continued to hand-wash my dishes.  By last Sunday it had been over three weeks since I had a working dishwasher.  I hadn't heard anything about the new parts.

On Sunday afternoon I decided to call again and find out what was going on.  The next day, while I was at work, someone came and fixed the dishwasher and left a note saying to call after I used it and let them know if it was leaking or not.  Again, this happened AFTER I called.  To me, this says that they had everything that they needed to fix it for a while and would not have shown up if I hadn't called.  That is a little frustrating.  I try to be a low-maintenance tenant.  I never complain and I can fix most things myself.  I guess if I take that approach nothing will ever get fixed.  At least it is fixed now.  So whatever.

During this whole dishwasher mess, my vacuum also broke.  Actually, I was having trouble the day before I left for California for the summer.  I just figured it was the belt, so I figured I would put on a new one when I got back.  I put the new belt on last week.  The second I turned on the vacuum, the belt broke again.  This happened with another belt right after.  I even took the time to clean every bit of gross stuff out of the vacuum and off of the roller.  The belts kept breaking.  I opened the vacuum to see if I could figure out what happened.  The belt looked like it had been melted.  There were bits of melted rubber all over the vacuum.  It smelled wonderful, by the way.  It turns out that the little part that you put the belt on so it can turn with the motor was getting overheated.  I don't know if there was supposed to be some sort of protective cover on it, but I didn't have one.  In frustration, I headed to Walmart for a new vacuum.

As soon as I got into Walmart, the rain started.  It was a huge storm.  I could hear the rain pounding on the roof.  It turns out that when rain falls onto the roof of Walmart, it echos throughout the whole store.  I could feel the store shake ever time thunder clapped.  It was a little scary.  I could hear kids telling their parents that they were scared.  I quickly found the vacuum that I wanted and started to pick up a few other groceries.  While I was shopping, the lights blink out and then came back on about a second or two later.  This happened two more times.  I tried to hurry so that I would be stuck if the power went out.  I think that Walmart would be really creepy completely dark.

It turns out, I didn't have to rush.  Not because the power went it, because it didn't.  No, it turns out that the few times that the power had blinked off and on had taken out Walmart's computer system.  I was near the front of the checkout line, but I was stuck there.  No one would check out because the whole system was down.  I was stuck waiting in that line for forty minutes.  I passed the time by chatting with the cashiers and the customers next to me.  They were all in the same boat that I was in.  I didn't want to give up and go home.  I really needed groceries and I needed the vacuum even more.  I hadn't vacuumed my apartment in three weeks.  So, I waited.  Finally, the system came back on.  I went home and vacuumed.  The new vacuum works okay.  It has really good suction, but that makes it sort of hard to push.  It is also a little short, so I feel like I have to bend down a bit.  It is a good thing that I have a small apartment!  My Swiffer is also broken (the handle cracked).  I taped it up and will look for a more permanent solution in the future.  It works well enough for now, and I can't afford a new one.

My finances have been weighing heavy on my mind lately.  The always have, but it has recently become an even bigger concern.  The beginning of the school year always causes me to take a big hit.  There is a lot to buy during that start up time.  I do get reimbursed for a lot of it (although I still don't know how much I can spend yet--last year it was up to $250).  Anything that I get reimbursed for has to be left with the school district, if I ever leave.  I can't turn in receipts until we find out how much money we get.  That might not happen until November.  Until then, I just have to count my pennies carefully.

I can always count on a few other expensive things at the same time.  I have been gone all summer, so my first shopping trip is always massive and pricey.  My car registration is due, so there is another couple hundred (although it didn't have to be inspected this year--so that saved me some money).  I am usually trying to get plane tickets for Christmas at this time and if I wait too long, the tickets get really expensive.  The other thing I can count on is my rent going up a little.  I was told it would got up $10 a month every year.  This year it went up $50 a month.  I had been getting a slight discount because I was a teacher.  I guess corporate decided that they needed every bit of rent they could get out of everyone.  If I had known sooner, I would have looked for another place to live.  However, it was too late and I was stuck.

I have a budget that I try to stick to.  It is an Excel program on my computer.  I was watching the small savings that I have get smaller and smaller as I entered the new numbers.  I made a very grownup decision.  I broke down and used my credit card for the first time in my life.  "I can afford these things and nothing else."  "I will make it, but it will be close."  Those are the thoughts that I had before I broke down and used the card.    They were sort of true.  I can afford those things, but not all at the same time!  I needed the card to help me spread out the payments a little.  In the end, I am hoping that I won't have to pay too much in interest.  My bank wants me to make a minimum payment of $15 a month.  I plan on paying way more than that.  I hate having debt.  I used the card to pay my car registration and the plane tickets.  Some of you are asking, if you are that broke can you really afford to fly home.  Not really, but I HAVE to.

I know myself.  I WILL NOT make it here if I know that I can't go home.  I am already prone to being homesick.  I learned that my first year at college.  Trying to live in a state that I don't really want to be in, where I don't know a ton of people is really hard.  I need to be able to go home.  I was already counting down the days until I could go home.  I started counting the day my family dropped me off after vacation.  After Kody died, my desire to home has grown so much that it is almost overwhelming.  I can make it through the day, but I break down and cry every night.  Part of it is tears over Kody.  But the other part is a feeling that I don't want to be here anymore.  Something needs to change.  Either I will try to find that elusive job in CA or I will try for a better paying district.  Until then, the only way I will make it through the school year is by going home whenever I can.  I will drive at Thanksgiving because the roads will be better.  I can't drive at Christmas because the first, and only, time that I tried that I got stuck in a blizzard that almost scared me to death.  I will never make that drive at Christmas again.

I did make a few decisions, and got some news, this week that will help me a little this year.  Maybe I will even be able to pay off the credit card sooner.  My friend, Shannon, sent me an email about the ALPS program in our district.  This is like an advance placement program.  They needed people to help proctor the tests in November.  We would get paid about $20/hour.  In total, it would add up to about 8 1/2 hours of work.  I signed up, and was accepted as a proctor, and forwarded the email to a friend of mine, another teacher at the school, that knew was also struggling.  She was also accepted.  Then, our principal sent out an email informing us that our school needed another representative for a district art (DART) program.

The rep would go to about seven meetings over the course of the school year and find out how to integrate arts into the classroom.  We would be paid the same in-service rate of $20/hour.  Each meeting is about two hours long.  So, that will be about 14 hours of work by the end of the school year.  It is not a ton, but every bit helps and can make a difference.  So, I signed up for that as well and have my first meeting next week.  I also, usually, sign up to judge the science fair, but that won't be until near the end of the school year.  Until then, I plan of taking advantage of every opportunity that I can find.

The last bit of news that I have, it looks like our district and the union have reached a tentative agreement.  As some of you know, our pay has been frozen for the last few years.  According to the posted salary schedule, I should be making a third year teachers salary.  At the beginning of this year, I will still be paid the same salary as a first year teacher.  It has been really hard not having any pay increases.  Cost of living keeps going up and my bills are always going up.  It is hard to make it.  I figured that I could struggle for a year and then things would get a little better.  Not the case.  Instead, things just got more and more difficult.  I don't know when the new agreement will start.  We need to take a vote on it, as a union.  So it probably won't start until our October paychecks.  The agreement basically says that we will get steps and lanes this year (but no cost of living increase), but they will only give it to us next year if the legislature gives them money specifically for teacher salary (which has never happened before).  Basically, it means that we get a pay increase this year but not next year.  I will now be a third year teacher, but I will be paid a second year teacher's salary (we can only move one step at a time).  The good news is that the pay will be retroactive to July 1st.  So, I should have one pretty good check that has some back-pay included in it.

So, that is all of my news.  Things will get a little better; I just have to wait for a little bit before they do.  I hope the rest of you are finding life a little easier.  If you aren't, then you are in my prayers.  Take care!

Week Two...

Well, I just got through the second week of the new school year.  The students, who are always so quiet and polite that first week, are starting to find their voices.  They are making friends and starting to figure out how much they can get away with in my class.  It has been a little crazy trying to teach them what our schedule will be like during this school year.  The first two weeks of school were both short weeks for them and I have tried to fit in as much as I could.  It was a little chaotic.  I am looking forward to a real week of school.  I am making it my goal to show the students exactly what our weeks will be like.  I also only have week to teach them exactly what to expect before I start getting observed by the principal.  I just don't have a lot of time to teach them when to be as quiet as possible, get them into the habit of raising their hands, etc...  This is my last year as a probationary teacher.  I just have to get through this last year of observations and then I don't have to do them every single year.

 I have told most of the co-workers that I am close to about my decision to look for another teaching position.  They have all been very supportive and they understand that my main reason is a financial one.  I have even been able to arrange a few recommendation letters.  I have not discussed this with my principal yet, though.  I am still trying to find the best way and time to let her know.  I also want to tell her in a way that will allow me to keep my job if I don't find another one.  I am planning on asking her for a recommendation as well.  I just don't know if I should wait until after she observes my lessons.  I am hoping to have my resume updated by the end of December.  I figure that jobs won't start being posted until March, but I want to give myself plenty of time in case something opens up.

In addition to another teaching job, in another district, I am looking at jobs outside of teaching.  I haven't told a ton of people about that one though.  If I do look for a different type of job, I would focus my search in California.  I want to be close to my family, as I have said before.  I have been living in Utah for just over two years now and it still feels like a temporary situation.  I don't feel like I have any real ties here.  I have no family here.  I have one really good friend here; but she just got married and that could lead her anywhere in future.  I love my co-workers, but I need to do what is best for me.  I am still a young-ish, new teacher.  This is the time for me to be making these choices.  I don't have a lot invested in retirement, education (other than my credential), and experience.  If I make a switch, I won't be losing out on a huge amount of money.  Mostly because I am now a third teacher working on a first year teachers salary schedule.  We will see how all of this turns out.  I am guessing nothing will turn out the way that I want it to.  That is based on my past experiences.

I wish that California was hiring teachers...or that my family would just move close to where I am.  I know that it their plan for the future.  However, that plan is really far off; like after my Dad retires.  It used to be that if you moved to California you were stuck there.  The state, while it had a hire cost of living in some areas, paid better and had more opportunities than other states.  That doesn't seem to be the case anymore.  People are still leaving California because of the job market.  I really think it will be the very last state to recover from all of this.  If I did go back to California, I wouldn't do so until I had a job already lined up.  It would need to be a for sure thing.  It would need to pay enough that I could afford my own place and everything that comes with it (bills, loans, etc...).  Right now, it doesn't seem like I will be able to make that move next year.  Maybe if I can get into a district that pays a little more, just enough so I can actually feel like I am putting money into savings, things will be better here.  Maybe that will help me feel better about staying in Utah for a while longer.

It would be nice if I could find away to get to California more often.  I have a few short breaks during the year that I would like to be able to use to travel there.  So far, I have been really fortunate to be able to drive home  at Thanksgiving and fly home at Christmas.  I just don't know how I will make that work if my current district doesn't start paying us more.  I need to be able to go home.  I miss my family all of the time.  I wish I could have the ability to go home when good, and bad, things happen.  I totally would have gone home if I knew that Kody was sick.  I wish I could go home for birthdays; instead of just using Skype.  Don't get me wrong.  I am really grateful for Skype.  It makes it a lot easier for me to stay up here knowing that I can see my family every week.  When I first went to college, it was really hard for me to be away from home.  I didn't have a cell phone yet.  All that I had was a phone card with a certain numbers of minutes on it.  It was a really difficult time in my life.  I sort of feel like I am heading back to that feeling.  Wanting to be home so bad, and not being able to get there.  :(

Until I figure things out, hopefully soon, I just have to focus on work.  I will still continue to miss my family and mourn the loss of Kody.  I just have to get through each day.  I just have a feeling that this will be a really long year for me.  It is a good thing that it seems like I have really great students this year.  If I had another year like the last two, I don't know if I would be able to make it through everything.

One Week Down...

It has been one week since I lost my best friend.  In spite of what I believed at the beginning of this awful week, I am doing better.  I still pray and cry for Kody every night; but I am managing to make it through the day without bursting into tears.  I can't talk about him with others yet.  At least, I can't talk about him without getting teary-eyed.  I am just grateful that I was able to get through my first week of teaching without breaking down in front of my class.

I almost feel like I am going through the stages of grief in reverse.  I started with accepting the horrible truth, but now I feel like I am moving towards denial.  I still feel like he will be there waiting for me when I go home for the holidays.  I know that it will be hard every time I go somewhere that he is supposed to be.  I am still finding a little bit of fur that he left with me over my time with him at the cabin this summer.  That has been hard.  I look forward to the time when I can think of him, and see pictures, and smile instead of cry.  For right now, don't ask me how I am doing.  I can't lie to people that I know.  If you ask me how I am doing, I will probably start crying again.

In other news, I made it through my first week of work.  We have VERY full classes this year; we are starting with 30 students each.  The kids seem like a good group though, and we have a couple new additions to the staff this year that already seem amazing.  In spite of all of that, I am still looking at my options for the next year.  Those of you who know what has been going on over the last year have heard me mention my frustrations with my district.  The pay has been frozen for awhile.  We are already one of the lowest paid districts; then, when you add in the fact that they never raise your pay based on experience, it gets difficult to live.  The district has a salary schedule online that is supposed to reflect what we will be paid as we stay on with the district.  Unfortunately, that schedule isn't being honored.  I get that times are hard.  The district needs more funding than it gets.  I understand all of that.  However, my rent goes up a little every year (this year it went up A TON) and my bills never get any lower.  I need to be able to survive.

I have been looking at other school districts and lower grades.  I have been hoping that if I wasn't so stressed about money, and if I were teaching kids that were a little younger (which I have always thought I would enjoy), that maybe I could be happy teaching.  I am hoping to try that for a bit and see if it helps my outlook on my chosen career.  However, if I make this change and still find myself only feeling stressed and frustrated I will start to look at other career options.  I have no idea what direction my professional career will take.  I plan on taking this next year to figure out what else I want to do and how I can make it happen.  I don't plan to make any serious moves until everything lines up so that I can do so.

This whole thing with Kody has made me seriously consider trying to go back to California.  It is really hard being away from my family.  I felt like this before Kody passed away.  Losing him just made those initial feelings a little stronger.  Plus, I can't stand the thought of some other disaster happening while I am so far away.  Obviously, I couldn't go to California as a teacher, because they still aren't hiring those.  I am thinking of starting as a paralegal or an administrative assistant.  After three years of teaching, I think that I could handle the organization and management required for those types of jobs.  I am open to suggestions, though.  If anyone is, or knows of, a teacher who switched to something else maybe you could tell me what they did and what they had to do to get there.   

So, there you go.  I still have no idea what direction to take in life.  I have all of these feelings, about everything, that I am having to sort through.  I feel guilty about leaving the co-workers that I love, conflicted about when and how to ask for reference letters.  I love and miss my family in California and I know that I will never truly feel at home when we are so far apart.  I am still mourning the  loss of my best friend and that is making all of the decisions that I need to make that more confusing.  I just hope that I can figure all of this out.  I pray that it will all work out for the best and that I will end up where I am supposed to be.  When I first moved to Utah, I felt it was right.  Everything worked out perfectly and I just knew that I was supposed to be here.  I don't really feel that way anymore.  Maybe I met the people and had the experiences that I was supposed to have here.  Maybe it is time for me to have new experiences somewhere else now.  Whatever I am supposed to do, and wherever I am supposed to go, I hope I get some sort of clear sign soon.

encouragement.  Sometimes it can be difficult to see past sorrow, especially when you are deep in the thick of it.  It is nice to have people who can assure you that things do get better.  While I am not yet in the "things ARE better" stage, I am starting to see that they will be someday...in the FAR off future.  That's all for now.  I hope you all have a great week and that no one else gets any bad news.  :)

Grief...

"We lost him."  Those three words are constantly haunting me.  All day long I hear them in my head.  Every time I think of those three words the news of Kody's passing hits me as hard as it did the first time.  Every part of my being knows that it is true; but part of me can't believe that it is real.  I just can't seem to accept the fact that he will never again be there to great me when I go home to California.  He will never twitch in his sleep again.  All of the little things that he used to do that were so endearing...and now he is gone.  I just can't seem to be happy in a world where he doesn't exist.  I have cried, I should change that to sobbed uncontrollably, ever day since I heard the news.

People who know me well, know that I hate to cry.  I am not a "pretty" crier.  My face turns red, my eyes get bloodshot and swollen, my face scrunches up, and I can't breathe.  Yet, that is what I have looked like a few times a day since Saturday.  People who aren't animal people don't seem to get it.  They say that they are sorry for my loss; like that is supposed to make it all better and now I can get over it.  I don't really care what they think.  I loved my dog.  I feel like I have lost a member of my family.  I HAVE lost a member of my family.  Nothing will make this better.

 I feel alone.  I come home and do nothing.  I have no distractions.  In theory, once the school year really starts I will be overwhelmed with papers and grades; but for now, I have nothing.  I have to spoken with my family everyday since it happened.  This whole things makes me wish that I were home, and with them, even more than I already did.  I am sure that they are tired of hearing me cry every time we talk.  I can't help it though.  I don't know what else to do.  Crying seems to be all that I do lately.  I have cry at every little thing.  I have never cried in front of so many people in my life.  Every time someone asks me how I am...I cry.  I have started telling people that they aren't allowed to ask me that anymore.  Maybe one of these days I will make it through a work day where no one asks me how I am, and I don't cry; but I know that I won't be able to stop the tears once I am at my apartment.  There is nothing to do but think about my sweet boy.

I have no prior experience with grief of any kind.  I have lost great-grandparents when I was really young; but that is about it.  All of my family is still with me (thank goodness).  I have never lost a pet.  I don't know how to get over this.  I don't think that I WANT to get over this.  Kody was my dog.  He will always be my dog.  My family talks about getting another dog one day; but it wouldn't be my dog.  It would be their dog.  I wouldn't have the same connection.  It wouldn't know me.  I can't even think of getting my own dog someday.  I don't know if I can do this again.  I don't know if I can put all of my heart, soul, and love into something and have it leave.  Plus, I feel like I would betraying Kody.  I know that I would love the new dog; but what if I loved him more than Kody (which I don't think would ever happen--I can't even imagine loving a dog more than I loved Kody); or what if I couldn't love the new dog as much because I was always comparing it to this wonderful dog that I loved so much?

Great.  I am sobbing again.  Maybe I should just go to bed.  Goodnight.  I love you all.  Please take a moment to hug your family, especially the fluffy ones.  Take care!