One Week Down...

It has been one week since I lost my best friend.  In spite of what I believed at the beginning of this awful week, I am doing better.  I still pray and cry for Kody every night; but I am managing to make it through the day without bursting into tears.  I can't talk about him with others yet.  At least, I can't talk about him without getting teary-eyed.  I am just grateful that I was able to get through my first week of teaching without breaking down in front of my class.

I almost feel like I am going through the stages of grief in reverse.  I started with accepting the horrible truth, but now I feel like I am moving towards denial.  I still feel like he will be there waiting for me when I go home for the holidays.  I know that it will be hard every time I go somewhere that he is supposed to be.  I am still finding a little bit of fur that he left with me over my time with him at the cabin this summer.  That has been hard.  I look forward to the time when I can think of him, and see pictures, and smile instead of cry.  For right now, don't ask me how I am doing.  I can't lie to people that I know.  If you ask me how I am doing, I will probably start crying again.

In other news, I made it through my first week of work.  We have VERY full classes this year; we are starting with 30 students each.  The kids seem like a good group though, and we have a couple new additions to the staff this year that already seem amazing.  In spite of all of that, I am still looking at my options for the next year.  Those of you who know what has been going on over the last year have heard me mention my frustrations with my district.  The pay has been frozen for awhile.  We are already one of the lowest paid districts; then, when you add in the fact that they never raise your pay based on experience, it gets difficult to live.  The district has a salary schedule online that is supposed to reflect what we will be paid as we stay on with the district.  Unfortunately, that schedule isn't being honored.  I get that times are hard.  The district needs more funding than it gets.  I understand all of that.  However, my rent goes up a little every year (this year it went up A TON) and my bills never get any lower.  I need to be able to survive.

I have been looking at other school districts and lower grades.  I have been hoping that if I wasn't so stressed about money, and if I were teaching kids that were a little younger (which I have always thought I would enjoy), that maybe I could be happy teaching.  I am hoping to try that for a bit and see if it helps my outlook on my chosen career.  However, if I make this change and still find myself only feeling stressed and frustrated I will start to look at other career options.  I have no idea what direction my professional career will take.  I plan on taking this next year to figure out what else I want to do and how I can make it happen.  I don't plan to make any serious moves until everything lines up so that I can do so.

This whole thing with Kody has made me seriously consider trying to go back to California.  It is really hard being away from my family.  I felt like this before Kody passed away.  Losing him just made those initial feelings a little stronger.  Plus, I can't stand the thought of some other disaster happening while I am so far away.  Obviously, I couldn't go to California as a teacher, because they still aren't hiring those.  I am thinking of starting as a paralegal or an administrative assistant.  After three years of teaching, I think that I could handle the organization and management required for those types of jobs.  I am open to suggestions, though.  If anyone is, or knows of, a teacher who switched to something else maybe you could tell me what they did and what they had to do to get there.   

So, there you go.  I still have no idea what direction to take in life.  I have all of these feelings, about everything, that I am having to sort through.  I feel guilty about leaving the co-workers that I love, conflicted about when and how to ask for reference letters.  I love and miss my family in California and I know that I will never truly feel at home when we are so far apart.  I am still mourning the  loss of my best friend and that is making all of the decisions that I need to make that more confusing.  I just hope that I can figure all of this out.  I pray that it will all work out for the best and that I will end up where I am supposed to be.  When I first moved to Utah, I felt it was right.  Everything worked out perfectly and I just knew that I was supposed to be here.  I don't really feel that way anymore.  Maybe I met the people and had the experiences that I was supposed to have here.  Maybe it is time for me to have new experiences somewhere else now.  Whatever I am supposed to do, and wherever I am supposed to go, I hope I get some sort of clear sign soon.

encouragement.  Sometimes it can be difficult to see past sorrow, especially when you are deep in the thick of it.  It is nice to have people who can assure you that things do get better.  While I am not yet in the "things ARE better" stage, I am starting to see that they will be someday...in the FAR off future.  That's all for now.  I hope you all have a great week and that no one else gets any bad news.  :)

Grief...

"We lost him."  Those three words are constantly haunting me.  All day long I hear them in my head.  Every time I think of those three words the news of Kody's passing hits me as hard as it did the first time.  Every part of my being knows that it is true; but part of me can't believe that it is real.  I just can't seem to accept the fact that he will never again be there to great me when I go home to California.  He will never twitch in his sleep again.  All of the little things that he used to do that were so endearing...and now he is gone.  I just can't seem to be happy in a world where he doesn't exist.  I have cried, I should change that to sobbed uncontrollably, ever day since I heard the news.

People who know me well, know that I hate to cry.  I am not a "pretty" crier.  My face turns red, my eyes get bloodshot and swollen, my face scrunches up, and I can't breathe.  Yet, that is what I have looked like a few times a day since Saturday.  People who aren't animal people don't seem to get it.  They say that they are sorry for my loss; like that is supposed to make it all better and now I can get over it.  I don't really care what they think.  I loved my dog.  I feel like I have lost a member of my family.  I HAVE lost a member of my family.  Nothing will make this better.

 I feel alone.  I come home and do nothing.  I have no distractions.  In theory, once the school year really starts I will be overwhelmed with papers and grades; but for now, I have nothing.  I have to spoken with my family everyday since it happened.  This whole things makes me wish that I were home, and with them, even more than I already did.  I am sure that they are tired of hearing me cry every time we talk.  I can't help it though.  I don't know what else to do.  Crying seems to be all that I do lately.  I have cry at every little thing.  I have never cried in front of so many people in my life.  Every time someone asks me how I am...I cry.  I have started telling people that they aren't allowed to ask me that anymore.  Maybe one of these days I will make it through a work day where no one asks me how I am, and I don't cry; but I know that I won't be able to stop the tears once I am at my apartment.  There is nothing to do but think about my sweet boy.

I have no prior experience with grief of any kind.  I have lost great-grandparents when I was really young; but that is about it.  All of my family is still with me (thank goodness).  I have never lost a pet.  I don't know how to get over this.  I don't think that I WANT to get over this.  Kody was my dog.  He will always be my dog.  My family talks about getting another dog one day; but it wouldn't be my dog.  It would be their dog.  I wouldn't have the same connection.  It wouldn't know me.  I can't even think of getting my own dog someday.  I don't know if I can do this again.  I don't know if I can put all of my heart, soul, and love into something and have it leave.  Plus, I feel like I would betraying Kody.  I know that I would love the new dog; but what if I loved him more than Kody (which I don't think would ever happen--I can't even imagine loving a dog more than I loved Kody); or what if I couldn't love the new dog as much because I was always comparing it to this wonderful dog that I loved so much?

Great.  I am sobbing again.  Maybe I should just go to bed.  Goodnight.  I love you all.  Please take a moment to hug your family, especially the fluffy ones.  Take care!

Kody

Today I learned that my beloved dog, Kody, passed away.  He was 15 years old.  It happened really suddenly.  He had gotten into the garbage earlier this week (which is something he did all of the time).  I guess he got sick after and was throwing up and acting strange.  The next day he seemed fine.  It went like that for a few days.  He would be really sick and then the next day he would be a little better.  Of course, I didn't know that any of this was going on.  I was busy getting ready for the new school year, in Utah.  This morning I received a text from my sister informing what was happening and letting me know that my parents were taking Kody to the vet.  I called my sister right away.

Throughout the day, I would receive updates from her as she spoke with my parents over the phone.  The vet put Kody on oxygen and a I.V.  He was breathing slowly and his gums were pale.  They did blood tests and found that his blood pressure was low and that his blood was thin and not clotting.  They theorized that he had somehow ingested an aspirin product; but they didn't know for sure.  They told my parents that he needed a blood transfusion.  They had to drive to Ontario to get in done.  I guess, that on the way he collapsed.  The hospital tried to revive him, but he never woke up again.

I was sitting in my apartment waiting for an update when my cell phone rang.  It was from my Mom's phone.  All I could think was "no."  I answered and my Dad was on the phone.  As soon as I heard his voice I knew that Kody was gone.  He confirmed the feeling that I had.  "We lost him."  Since that moment I have pretty much been crying non-stop.  I don't know what to do. I have never lost a pet, or even a family member.  I don't know how to deal with loss.  Plus, I am all alone here in Utah.  I have no one.  So, I just sit here crying.  Mostly it is just a steady stream; but, every once in a while I start sobbing so hard that I can't breathe.

I feel like I should have been there.  Or that the last time that I saw him, I should have hugged him longer.  I am grateful that I was able to have one last summer with him in California, and at our family cabin.  However, that thought doesn't take away the overwhelming sense of pain and sadness that I feel.  I hate Utah right now. I hate being here.  I need to be at home.  I hate the fact that I can't do anything...that all that I can do is sit here in my apartment, by myself.  I can't believe that I will never see him again.  He won't be there when I visit my family.  He will never chase his tail or hid socks in corners around the house.  He will never go on another ride on our ATVs.

I hate that it was so sudden.  We were sure that he would be around for a few more years.  He had lost almost all of his hearing and had a tiny bit of arthritis; but, overall, he was really healthy.  We should of had more time with him.  I wish that I could have seen him and held him one more time.  I wish I could be with my family.  In spite of the fact that I know that it is true, I still cannot believe it.  I don't know what else to say.  Instead, I will say goodbye.  I am going to go cry some more. 

The End of Summer...

I go back to work in about a week and a half.  I can't say that I am completely looking forward to it.  After two straight years of having really difficult kids in my class, along with other "issues," I am still feeling a little burnt out. It's not a burnt-out, I can't think about working ever again, feeling.  Believe me, most of the time, I like to go to work.  I get bored when I don't have anything to do or anywhere to go.  This is a specific burnt-out on teaching type of deal.  I remember at the start of my second year of teaching I was looking forward to things.  I had hope for the future.  I told myself that the year would be easier.  I would have students that were a little easier to work with, not that I didn't love some of my previous students--because I totally did.  I told myself to have faith in the district, that they would start to appreciate their employees.  I looked forward to adjusting my curriculum and changing little things that I wasn't quite satisfied with the year before.  Instead I spent the year frustrated...again.

I have been doing a lot of thinking over the summer.  When I first got a teaching job in Utah I told myself that I would stick it out, no matter what the situation was, for three years.  In three years, I would have cleared my credential and have my Level 2 licence.  I now have two years under my belt.  My third year looms ahead.  I have decided to start looking for jobs outside of my district.  I wish I could just transport my school and co-workers to a different district.  I love my co-workers!  I feel like I got so lucky with where I ended up.  I found myself in a team of people where everyone got along.  Unfortunately, the district is the problem.  I am tired of living paycheck to paycheck.  I am tired of feeling over-whelmed with everything that I have to do.  I am tired of staying up until all hours of the night doing work.  I know that not all of this will be fixed if I move districts; but, believe me, a lot of other things will.

So, as much I love my co-workers and wish I could continue to work with them, I feel like I need to start to figure out what is best for me and my life.  There is a bigger district near me that pays a little bit more.  I am pretty sure that it will be difficult to get a job there, because it seems very competitive.  I am hoping that I can get some really good references together and that those, along with my teaching experience, will give me some edge.  This whole process has become even more necessary as I just learned that my rent will be going up by $50/month.  Plus, it continues to go up by about $10/month every time I sign a new lease.  So, along with my decision to look at other jobs, I will also be re-thinking my living situation.  The biggest decision is whether to rent, knowing that life can change quickly and without notice, or should I buy, while interest rates and housing prices are low.  If I buy, I want to figure out the job thing quickly so I can get a place close to wherever I work.

The last decision that I am trying to make is what grade to teach.  When I was going through my teaching program, I was placed in a 4th grade class for about a year and a second grade class for a few months.  Then I was hired in a fourth grade class.  It seems like the world wants me to be a fourth grade teacher.  Yet, I have always felt drawn to the lower grades.  The slightly lower class size being just one of the perks.  The students seem to be a little more respectful.  They don't have that "big-kid" attitude.  So, I am thinking of looking at anything from K-2nd.  I am hoping to get an early jump on the job search and maybe start to get an idea of what the curriculum is like in those grades.  Luckily, I have a good friend at my school who teaches the second grade.  I don't want to tell a lot of people about my job search, just in case it doesn't work out.  Unfortunately, that makes getting references a little tricky.  I am going to have to find a way to let a few people that I am looking.  Let's just hope this doesn't turn into an awkward year.

In other news, one of my good friends was married in June.  I went to California and Idaho for most of the summer.  I would get texts from her every once in a while that let me know that she was bored.  Her husband works and she is, like me, off for the summer.  We have hung out a few times since I have been back.  She is convinced that her relationships with her friends will not change now that she is married.  However, I have a feeling that once work comes back into the picture she will find that she doesn't have that kind of time.  As one of the few people left who are my age and single, I have come to expect this.  I have more married friends than single ones now.  That is how life goes.  What are you going to do?  ;)  So, that's it.  The next few weeks won't be very news-worthy.  I will just be planning, shopping, and going to church.  I will keep you updated on life, work, job searches, etc... Take care!

Testing...

    As of Friday, my class has completed two of their six CRT exams.  They are done with the language arts portion.  So, for the next four weeks math and science will be our main focus.  I wish that I could make kids understand that one day they will look back at their years in school and wish that they had tried harder.  I know that I certainly did!  But the truth is that you can't make them care, even if you really want to.

    For the last few weeks, I have been sending home review homework.  This basically consists of our block tests and a science fill in the blank page.  All the students have to do for the science part is read a selection and fill in the missing words.  They don't even have to remember anything.  They just have to read.  After two weeks of grading these, I am become worried about our CRTs.  So much guessing is happening.  It is very frustrating.  I hate that we still have four more weeks of testing.  I don't know if they, or myself, will make it through to the end of the year.  Six weeks left!